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Addiction stories: Hellish Heroin – Bambi’s heroin addiction story

May 14th, 2011

Opiate Addiction can be a horrible thing whether it's to heroin, hydrocodone, oxycontin, or any one of a number of available opiates. This is only the first in a series of addiction stories we will have on the site.Addiction stories seem to have an impact that objective research can never have. This is another in a series of addiction stories submitted by our readers. I hope that everyone will benefit from learning about others’ experiences. There’s no doubt that Bambi’s experience of escalation in use from what seemed initially innocent is a common one. If you, or someone you know, needs help with their opiate addiction, try our rehab-finder for the best way to get reliable, verified, rehab recommendations.

A harrowing tale of heroin addiction:

When most people hear the word heroin, some things come to mind. Those of you who have never even thought of doing a drug like heroin, would never understand. And for those of you who you know who you are, whether you have found your way out, or are slowly still slipping away… Believe me, if you know who you are, then you know how it is. Realizing you’re addicted to something doesn’t hit you, until you mentally find your way out by accepting what has happened and letting go with only one hell of a memory.

This is my story…

A friend of mine, that I have been friends with since kindergarten, first introduced me to opiates at the end of my last year in high school. I was aware that my friend, B, had done Oxycontin (OC’s) before and really liked them, but had only done them a couple of times. This was as new for him, as it was to me when he first asked me if I would ever try some. Keep in mind, B has always been my best friend, and I could tell him things that I couldn’t even think about telling anyone else.

It all started with one single evening. It was around 9 pm and I remember sitting on my bed having this strange, curious feeling. A feeling that was unfamiliar to me, even at my age of 17 at the time. I picked up my phone and dialed my friend B. He quickly answered, as if he was waiting beside his phone, just waiting for my call. I simply told him I wanted to try OC. He replied that he was just about to call me and that he had two OC’s on him and that he would be at my place in 10 minutes.

When he got to my house we went straight to the basement, put on a movie, and both sat at the table. He took the two OC’s out of his pocket, laid them on the table, and then smiled at me. The two greenish pills looked so intriguing, with the letters OC on one side, and with 80 on the other. He popped an 80 into his mouth, and when he took it out, it was white with no coating on anymore. He split it in quarters and gave me one to crush up, while he crushed up his own quarter. I busted the little white chunk into powder, then made two lines. I was more than ready to try this.

I rolled up a crisp twenty, and blew the line. At first I felt my nose sting, close my eyes and opened them only to have him staring at me with the biggest grin on his face. That was the first line of any form of dope that I had ever sniffed up my nose.

Probably, after all this, the best line I have ever sniffed up my nose to this day.

Within 5 minutes, I felt like I had a nice warm blanket on me. I had the butterflies in my stomach and they felt great. I sniffed the remaining line, and slowly collapsed onto my futon to watch whatever we had thrown into the DVD player. It didn’t matter what I was watching because honestly, I could have sat in front of a blank wall and still have been content. If I knew what a million bucks felt like, it would have felt the way I felt that night. I was extremely social, very happy, and felt amazing all throughout my body. Later that night when the movie ended, we were totally awake, but kept nodding out. When you do a line of OC, no matter what, you will become happy, and I can guarantee that because I’m sure anyone would agree. The rest of the night just seemed to fall into place as I itched the little comfortable itches I had all over my body. And that was the first time I have ever touched the stuff.

Within the next month, I sniffed some OC maybe twice or three times with B after that night. I never thought for one second that either B or me, would ever become addicted to that stuff. I just had this thought in the back of my mind that becoming addicted to something is a mental habit, when you want to stop, you stop and that’s the end of it.

About four months after that first night, my thoughts were beginning to change about how I felt about OC’s… I ******* loved them! I was at the point where I was actually unhappy if I couldn’t get some OC to blow. Of Course B could get them for me, that seemed to be all he did in his spare time by this point. Everyday was the same for him, wake up half numbed from last night, and figure out how to get more. Then once he had a steady connect, he was getting them about 10 at a time. Five for him to blow himself, and five for him to sell, which he then took that money and bought more with. Running around constantly making deals with people simply just to fuel the fire. Between buying OC’s and selling some for more, he was breaking even with profit just to support the quickly formed habit. If only it stopped here…

OC’s were becoming expensive, and of course by this time, our tolerance was growing. I was getting maybe two OC’s a week, and blowing a full 80 through the course of 3 days or so…I know, this is still just the beginning. One day B called me up and said he wasn’t getting OC’s anymore, but instead, was getting bags. He explained to me that he could now pick up a bomb of dope. A bomb of dope? What the hell is a bomb of dope I remember asking myself. I quickly found that out.

This is a moment in my life when things changed for ever.

I did a bag of dope. These were small bags of heroin that was an off white color. I loved the taste, loved the way it made me feel. Similar to OC, it made me feel AMAZING! Heroin seemed like the next best thing compared to OC, hell, it might have even been better. The funny thing is, I never once stopped and thought to myself, wow, I enjoy sniffing heroin and I probably have just done OC or dope everyday for the last couple week’s straight. No, every time I thought about the fact that I was not only doing heroin, I loved it and didn’t even want to fathom how I would feel without being high on dope. I loved being high on dope and would do anything to get high. Since that very first night, my opinion about sniffing this amazing dust only continued to grow right in front of my own eyes the whole time. Nobody knew about me doing heroin, except B, and of course, he was always a step ahead of me. He got bags for me and that’s just how it was. We lived day by day, each day with the priority to get dope only becoming more important. Without realizing how addicting we were becoming, everything just seemed to be better. Us? Getting addicted to heroin?

Pssshht, yeah right…

At the time, I laughed at that comment and said ‘no way, I will stop when I want to’, famous last words.

So this whole time B and I have only fallen deeper into this rut which seemed to never end. All B did was hustle bags to support his own habit, while he was making free bags plus extra money to pay for the next dope purchase. This can truly be the most lucrative business we both were finding out. By this time, I was going with B to A-town’s block to pick up the bombs. We would make the trip to A-town almost everyday. It was all just too simple, we were paying sixty, sometimes seventy, per bomb, which each bomb contained 10 bags of joy. We would make a phone call, and his dude, which slowly somehow became my dude, would meet us 15 minutes later and we’d be scott free driving back to one of our houses to only rip into the bombs we had just picked up and get so high to the point where we would sit there and nod off and think about nothing, literally.

When B wasn’t around to get bags, which was barely ever, I would pick them up myself just because I began to want it for myself that bad. At this point, I could stroll through A-town, pick up as much heroin as I could buy, and get high. I didn’t care about anything, and frankly I started to not give a s*** about anybody either. This is truly a part in my life which I am embarrassed about. For some reason, everytime I thought of doing dope, I felt guilty almost, but that just made me want to get more dope three times as bad.

I specifically remember driving down the highway with B one day. He turned to me and said ‘do you realize what we are doing…We are ruining our lives’…We just sat there and stared down the road. We both knew how f***** we were, it was just a matter of what was going to happen next. Well…time just went on.

When I turned 18, as much as I hated to admit it, I was a full blown heroin junkie. I know that’s a strong word, but only another junkie can put a heroin addiction into perspective. I was spending 140 or more a day on it, picking up 20-30 bags at a time, sometimes up to 50 bags. I would sell them to other close friends that B would hook me up with. Now I was breaking even only to support who I was becoming. The people that B would originally sell his bags to were all close friends, and over the past months, we weren’t the only two people that had found ourselves in a giant fire only being fueled by heroin. Somehow, for certain people, dope swept across our area and it was the most devastating thing I have ever witnessed to this day. Everyone started to try dope, especially a couple of my close friends. When I began to see other people beside B or me get involved with dope, that’s when I truly realized how heroin gains a powerless grasp on people which some people simply never get to free that hold.

This is the point in my life where I feel I hit rock bottom. I had this secret lifestyle that nobody knew about except B. Even if I told my parents or girlfriend that I have been addicted to heroin for the last year, that would sound so absurd that they would think I was joking. How could I tell anyone anyway, after all this time? I would wake up and immediately blow a bag off my laptop. I would feel good, but then only an hour later at tops would I be starting to think of when I’m gonna go to get high again. That’s all I thought about, even though I knew deep inside, “I’m addicted to heroin.” I wasn’t telling myself that I’ll just stop when I want to anymore. I knew how f***** up I was and how dope had her strong hold on me. I would blow a line of dope off anything I could at the time, a cell phone, mirror, wherever I was and whatever I was doing, I just couldn’t wait to get high again. I would randomly come and go, just going wherever the dope took me. I would run into my bathroom and blow a line on the counter top, come out acting like a just took a s***, I’d be walking, almost hopping between strides. The sad thing was, I knew my other good friends were becoming like me, and I had the feeling that B was just completely f***** by this point.

I couldn’t tell anyone ’cause I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and it was all on me. If I had felt this bad a year later doing it day after day just taking a day at a time, I could only wonder how B was doing, a step ahead of me of course, like always. B and I slowly began to talk to each other less and less. We both slowly fell into a routine that only involved ourselves and that goddamn dope. Money being borrowed between us had started an argument that wasn’t worth solving. It was an argument between two best friends, about heroin and that’s it.

One doesn’t realize how the mind changes to make dope the number one priority over a period of time, but it does. It changes the way you think and how you think. It makes you do anything just to get another bag. Its always just another bag. You can tell I was in deep at this point, well I was…but sadly not even past the worst part.

Then the day that I knew was coming, finally came. B sent me a text that said that I wouldn’t see him for a little while. He checked himself into a rehabilitation center with his parents consent. This was the point where I realized this is no way to live and for the first time in a year, I felt the slightest feeling deep in my gut to stop doing the dope. I knew that I couldn’t continue like this and B was right, I need to detox as well. The day after he text me that, his phone seemed to be off. B’s phone is never off. I felt like the only way I could even think about stopping is to do one last bomb, bad idea, I know that now.

I called my dude up, same spot, same as always, 25 mins. That’s just how it was, if I needed dope, call him up and I would have it in my hands within the hour. I picked it up and told him straight up, “You’re not gonna see me coming around here anymore bro, this is my time where I need to get my s*** together and go home. My vacation for the last year is coming to an end.” He said OK and that was that. After I picked up that bomb that day, I deleted my dude’s number. Of course you know what happened next, I got completely dipped one last time and it felt amazing, that night I went to sleep kind of scared about what’s going to happen next, but still so high on dope I nodded right off into a blissful dope-sleep.

When I woke up that morning, I tried to not think about dope at all, uhhh yeah that didn’t work too well. But at least I kept telling myself that. I always heard of dope withdrawal, but I never took it into account for myself. You can’t. No one can imagine how insanely wretched and nasty that withdrawing from heroin is unless they experience it. Again, you know who you are. By the end of the day I was not feeling myself at all, I suddenly felt as if I was becoming cold and getting goosebumps every second. I was irritated like a SOB. That night I laid in bed, tossed and turned in sweat as I froze my a** off. Little did I know, absolute f****** hell was just about to turnover.

With the little sleep I got that night, I slowly awoke feeling completely tired. Too tired to do anything, I literally have never been so depressed ever. I knew what I was going through, I actually planned what days I would be withdrawing so I knew every second that I was closer to feeling normal. There is nothing worse than withdrawal from heroin. The next 4 days were pure hell. I don’t even think I was in my right state of mind. I tried to do everything to get through the pain as quick as I could. Well, unfortunately, withdrawing for a week or so feels like 2 years of absolute terrible, gut wrenching pain all throughout your body. The worse part of it all was laying in bed at night. My mind racing, my legs kicking over and over, no position feeling the slightest bit comfortable. I would get hot flashes all throughout my body when I even put covers on top of me, breaking out in sweat instantly. Then rip the covers off hastily, as my body changed from two extreme body temperatures within 3 seconds. I would instantly freeze with no covers at all. Every minute tossing and turning in my bed, constantly awake and going through every agonizing second. The last 3 nights I didn’t sleep at all. I was awake the whole night, sweating, freezing, worst cramps in the world, my blood feeling like its on fire inside of me, just lying there, kicking my legs and whipping my arms around hopelessly.

At the time, I would have shot myself If there was a gun next to me. I would have literally wanted to shoot myself and end my life, just to take away this never-ending pain from within. Well, there’s nothing you can do about withdrawal, of course methadone and suboxone would help, but I quit cold turkey. The withdrawal was so terrible that I finally felt free after the symptoms slightly subsided. It was such a pain-staking 5 days of my life that afterward, I didn’t even want to touch dope ever again. I had finally felt relieved.

About 8 days later, I started to come out of my room. I almost felt like a weight was just lifted off my shoulders and felt like I had just been baptized or something. It was epic. I haven’t talked to B since I went through hell, his phone has been off. Then on the 9th day he text me and It read,’ I’m back’. B was home from rehab where he experienced the same process as me, the easy way with suboxone’s big help. That night I went over to his house and we sat on the couch and reminisced about the last year of our life, I s*** you not for the first time in a year I felt as if I had my bro back. I had my life back, and I was never going back to that lifestyle, no way in hell.

And that’s my story, the story about how I became addicted to heroin.

It has been about 6 months since I touched any dope, and it’s a good feeling. I let myself get so wrapped up in the need to get high and feel high to go do anything at all. It was terrible, and I REALLY, really, recommend anyone to just turn the other way, and forget the thought that you wanted to try it, because for me, it was’nt worth it. Living the life of a junkie isn’t worth shit. Just another addict, just another story, one hell of a memory, and I moved on…God Bless.

Addiction help- A final word from Dr. Jaffe

Bambi’s story of drug use escalation – from seemingly harmless prescription drug use to a full blown heroin addiction – is more common than many would like to think. If you need help finding treatment for your own, or a loved one’s addiction, make sure to give our Rehab-Finder a try: It’s the only evidence-based, scientifically created, tool for finding rehab anywhere in the United States!

Posted in:  Addiction Stories, Drugs, Opiates
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46 Responses to “Addiction stories: Hellish Heroin – Bambi’s heroin addiction story”

  1. Robyn C says:

    I hope everything works out for you. I never progressed to dope but was doing 3 80’s a day and also quit cold turkey. You’re story should enlighten some people and hopefully they won’t start. God Bless and stay strong.

    • angela says:

      i feel your pain and worry… i hope to god your son get’s well and will recover before dying or going to jail. I myslef was a heroin addict. For almost 6 years and I have been clean and sober for 3 and a 1/2 years. I now have a 3 year old son and have never been happier with my life. Suboxone is the greatest detox medicine out there. He will not feel sick at all. If he needs to talk he can e-mail me at

      Good Luck

  2. sharon g says:

    Good luck. Hope all stays well with you. My son is a heroin addict and unfortunately he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, thought for sure he did a couple times but not. I am scared for him and feel so helpless.

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Hi Sharon,
      So sorry to hear about your son. I’m assuming you’ve been doing your research, but have you tried to get him to see a psychiatrist (or other MD) for bupernorphine replacement therapy?

      Please contact me if you’d like so guidance on possible ways to try to help your son.


  3. Julianna Warkentin says:

    Thank You so much for sharing your story. I am an ex-junkie a little over 2 years clean. You are so young you have your whole life ahead of you. I truely believe that as horrible as heroin addiction is, it is a blessing to come out on the other side and know how much we have to be greatful for. Like you I was an addict by 17, spent the last 7 years finding ways to get more. I had to go through homelessness, rape, and prostitution, and I got Hep C from sharing works. I am going through the interferon treatment right now. My life is so wonderful, and blessed today that I would never go back (even though my reptile brain tries to convince me to) Cheers, my thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone else who have endured and conquored active addiction, and all of the addicts still suffering today.

  4. Neyire Acikalin says:

    Mrs. Adi your story was very explanatory and helpful. I am 18 years old and just started to university in UK . I am interested in this subject to learn more about addiction and how the junkies become like that for save my self from horrible situations.There are lots of traps in universities.. Every young people should be educated..

  5. Alyssa Grohman says:

    This story reminds me basically of mine. Everyone went down at once towards the end of it all… but then sadly after going to rehab back and forth, my cousin and I are still having troubles with it. I am only 17 years old and I tried heroin when I was 15. It’s a hard struggle, and no one knows what it is like unless they are in the situation themselves. Isn’t that right? Anyway, I am happy for you and maybe you can give me some tips about how to keep it out of your mind, yeah? That’s the hardest part. I’ve been having a lot of using dreams, and I’m just mentally not here right now.

  6. Peter F. says:

    Having gone through it myself, I am totally touched by your story. You got me in touch with that pain that only a recovering person can understand. My last bag was five years ago and I needed to hear your story to keep it real. G-d bless you.

  7. richard rose says:

    Your story rings so many bells. I’ve now been clean 3 years after a 20 year heroin/crack addiction.

    G_D bless


  8. Jess says:

    this helped a lot and could not relate to it any more.. thank you

  9. Jodi Collins says:

    I just lost my friend to this horrible drug. She tried many times to get help but always went back. After reading your story I now understand how she went from popping pills to snorting them to the dope bag then shooting it up. It is ashame the people so such sensless things to their bodies. She didnt die of a overdose she didnt die from detoxing she died from an infection caused from a dirty needle that attcked her heart. She thougt she was detoxing because she had the some symptoms of what would happen and the hospital was treating her for detox. They did some blood work on her and found the infection. Started treating the infection to try and cure it so she could have heart surgery for what the infection did to her heart. (made valves close) She never made it. I only hope your story and my story will reach others before they try this drug.

  10. Mel says:

    I lost my mother and stepfather 7 years ago due to opiate abuse my mother was 37yrs old and my stepfather was 32yrs old. I myself have never tried drugs partly due to watching my mother self destruct over the course of my childhood. I however am healing from a 12year realationship with a heroin addict. He started out snorting prescribed pain meds and over the years advanced to oc’s then to heroin. Then in the past 3yrs he enrolled into a methadone clinic and got progressively worse he was so high off the methadone he was given at the clinic he would be nodding out all day then wakeup the next morning go back to the clinic be dosed again and repeat. He was there for a year and never stepped down his dosage. I finally convinced him to enroll In a suboxone/counseling/doctor supervised program which seemed to be helping and then the 2month program ended and he is worse now then he has ever been. His addiction caused us to divorce, he lost visitation to his 2 sons, he lost his car, his home, his family, and his job. He is staying place to place bumming for his fixes barely getting by it is so painful too watch. I hope he realizes sooner than later and gets the help he needs to get better. This has been a excruciatingly painful experience for everyone involved.

  11. kylee says:

    really wishing it could be that easy for my brother. Things are way worst then your story and it kills me more and more everyday. But Congrats you took on a lot because i know how tough it really is..

  12. ce says:

    thanks for posting your story.. it makes me feel better I’m 19 and i just got out of rehab a little over a week ago i’ve been clean for 42 days but i still think about using all the time it just makes me feel better to know that some people can really stay clean with no relapse their first time. hope i can keep it this way.. best of luck to you

  13. annie says:

    I am basically a 30 year old chipper. If I had enough money to be a full blown junkie, I woulda done it months ago. I started out snorting vics and percs, then OCs seven years ago. I even had easy access to liquid OC, back in the day before it became a hot commodity. I was in college at this time, doing OC on a daily basis, yet managed to graduate with honors at the top of my class. I wrote some of my best papers on OC…whistful sigh…After college, I moved 2 hours away. Partly to find a good job, partly to get away from OC. But what happened next was that I moved from a small town to a much larger city…and discovered heroin.
    I was in a training class at work, when I met Austin. He quickly became my weed hookup, and one day asked me if I was into “boi.” “What’s that?” I asked. “Heroin,” he said. A few days later, I was driving to the bad side of town to meet Austin. A cap was $20, a high much cheaper than what I was paying for OC.
    Do I remember my first beer? Sorta. Do I remember the first time I smoked weed? Nope. Acid? Nope. Mushrooms? Nope. Coke? Nope. Even OC? Nope. But heroin…not only will I never forget the first time, its the day I fell in love. Nothing will ever compare to it, nothing. It turns me into everything I’ve ever wanted to be, everything I always thought I was capable of. People like me better, I’m more outgoing, I don’t have this crippling anxiety everyday. I’ve always had anxiety, from age 3 or 4, and opiates are the only cure for me. I’m prescribed xanax, but believe me, its no heroin.
    I’m sitting here laying on the couch, thinking about how much better life would be if I could just slam a cap. I love everything about it. The ritual, the taste, the needle in my arm, the bruises on my veins after I bang, the nothingness, the perfection. I am happiness. I am a clear blue sky, I am a blowing breeze, a golden autumn day. Everything good in life is like a minute on heroin.
    My current boyfriend doesn’t like me doing heroin. He says if I do it he will leave me, but I do it behind his back. I don’t see the harm in it. Like I said, I’m a chipper. I am a functioning addict, going to work everyday. I hate going to work if I don’t have dope. Dope makes it all ok. I just paid my rent so I’m broke, but I want to do some dope now. What ever happened to personal freedom? If I want to be a junkie, LET ME!! Don’t threaten me or try to control me. I’m gonna do what I want. You better believe as soon as I get another $20, I’m headin back downtown.
    Heroin, you are the sunshine of my life. A day without you is a day wasted, and I hope to see you soon. Wrap me in your warm embrace. I want to spend every day with you, wake up, and see you first thing in the morning. Now that I know how good you are, I wonder how I ever lived without.

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      First of all, thank you for sharing your story so honestly. As to your final question, you have the freedom to do whatever you want, just as your partner has his own freedoms. You just have to choose which path you want to follow.
      I wish you well whichever way you go – hopefully your use won’t develop into more of a problem, but I appreciate you telling it as you see it.

  14. jay says:

    annie! i remember saying exactly wot u just said, only u r far more eloquent than i am. please dont think me patronising as i’m far from it. u mentioned an important word—-FREEDOM if there is one thing u can guarantee heroin will take away your freedom. u will be a slave to heroin or a slave to the system if u get help (methadone)
    I loved smoking weed wit my mates wen i was a teenager, we’d laugh and put the world to rights. Mushrooms and acid opened our eyes, then we discovered speed, i thought it was the perfect drug! my circle of friends was so tight we loved each other soooo much. we started clubbing, E’s were amazing the come downs were bad but we lived for the weekends…thursday night, checkpoint charlie! carl cox, then D n B ..Randall, Bukem, Kemistry n Storm, then dub n ska …we started doing coke alot, i knew it was making us miserable i’d hav long conversations in my head! i couldnt stop tho even if i was alone. My brothers were part of my group. Zig was 5 years older, Dee 9 yrs older. i adored them both. Zig had charisma, and talent,more than enuf for ten people. he was a gifted artist and so sharp and intelligent it left u speechless. he was friendly to everyone, he was gorgeous, a wikid dancer, singer, my best friend.
    we lived together above a pub in london, did shifts for rent. he had a 7 yr old son and hed recently come out of rehab…keen to start a new life. one day i came home, askd da barman “is Zig in?”
    ‘yes he is, came bak last nite n hasn’t been out today.’
    Eastenders …the theme tune started. Wikid timing! Love it! “two pints of Kronenbourg please!” i ran up to get him…i didnt see him to begin with-because he wasn’t there. He was sitting cross legged he edge of my bed. Gouched out, needle in arm. I spoke to him, seen him in the same position so many times. he didn’t answer. I touched his head.. it was stone cold.

    Devastated. Absolutely fucking devastated. that was ten years ago im still trying to get over it. My mum , God i will never forget the sound she made wen i told her. this horrible wail, grief,,like an animal.
    one consolation is his son, hes 18 now and he’s amazing. very like his dad. you couldn’t meet a nicer guy, so quick, funny, kind, gentle, handsome, talented……Zig wd be proud, more than proud.
    So ten years ago my nightmare began! id paved the way-dealing with any anxiety with drugs, my best friend, my soulmate let me try heroin. I loved it, all i wanted to do was do heroin in his caravan and hide from the world. i felt ok, the hollow ache of grief was numbed………………… im gonna continue my story later, its 5a.m. kids will be up at 7! annie-this may seem irrelevant to you right now but please wait for the next installment-you’ll get why i had to write to u!!

  15. rainbow says:

    I guess my comments are for anyone reading here, but I’m Inspired by Anne mostly.

    Yes you do have freedom to do what you want, this is the United States. I hope you never get caught by the law, cause the U.S. prosecutes, then you may not have that job.
    You need to wake up a little, cause your addicted now, just as any daily junkie is. You should go into some of the homes of the people you cop from, and see how they live.

    I will not paint any picture or go preaching much, but I know what’s up, and it is better for you to push away now,
    cause you are asking for big trouble. I say this with authority, I am 60 years old, have a good 20 of them using. First a straighup chipper, and then never going to get hooked, but spending 200 to 300 a day. Try cold turkey from that. Took 6 months and only a miracle that I
    have no record, and now have a great job. But do you have faith enough to get out. Now is the best time honey, cause all users are hiding something. People do love you,
    and you can accept that love, without the crutch of dope
    to fill that emptiness. Don’t keep fooling yourself, I for one know your heart is hurting from something.

  16. Tierra says:

    I am now recovering from my heroin addiction. I am still going through my withdrawls and its horrible it feels like my whole life is falling apart, i feel like my body cant take much more. I am on my third day and pray its close to my last. I really recommend anyone who thinks about or does this drug to get help NOW! You may think were all dumb but honestly you never know how horrible the feeling is until you experience it. Unlike some people I am quitting cold turkey as well and plan on going to counseling for it as soon as my health gets back in shape. The only thing im scared of is the craving to have it back. I woke up to my ex putting a needle in my arm thats when I knew my life had to change. I dont know what to do if the craving comes back im so scared its not even funny! 🙁

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      So happy to hear that you’re making a change. I hope the detox went okay and that you are now well into counseling. Let us know how you’re doing as things progress!!!

  17. Sarah says:

    Your story was so touching to read and I am happy that you were strong enough to get off. That was truly a blessing.
    Sorry to say, a friend of mind just died from heroin addiction. He was 63 years old. Never did get off, what a waste of iife, I loved him so much, but he paid me no attention, he was in love with heroin, that was his life.
    Thanks for sharing the story, hope you continue to have a good normal life.

  18. Rob says:

    Greetings all, what stories we have here. It’s amazing how similar most junkies experiences are. I have been a chipper myself for the past 5 years or so, and it is continually getting worse. The holidays just came to an end and boy did I wrack up some money. What a shame though, as fast as I got it, it was gone. Now im still in debt and the money I planned to spend on bills went to bags.

    Ahh, the life of a junkie. Not a dollar to my name, power about to get shut off, cell phone about to get shut off, 30 phone calls a day from bill collectors, owe a hand full of friends, and nothing left to sell.

    Been on about a 3 month binge now, and haven’t stopped for more than a few hours. Now its been almost 24 hours and im starting to feel the pain. My legs, arms, and body ache. My nose is running and my eyes are red. Im hot, im cold and i can never feel right. I wont be able to score for a couple days and all I can think about is my lady.

    I remember the first time I did opiates, just came out of a long term relationship with a woman who had been a junkie in her past. It always bothered me, that she was an ex junkie and I would stir negative thoughts in my head constantly about her. Eventually it got all too much and we split up. Devastated, heart broken and careless I decided what the hell, might as well give it a shot.

    Started innocently enough, a few prescription pills here and there, nothing too strong but wow did it feel amazing. Eventually I found oxycodone and I was blown away, literally. About a year or two went by, never trying dope but always on with perscriptions, I never thought I had it that bad. But then one day I ran out of money with none in sight and I bit the bullet and went through the WDs.

    It was a nightmare, but not as bad as I had thought, because at that time I wasn’t a full blown addict. I stayed clean for a month or two, and then slipped back in. At this time I was naive, but I thought I knew it all.

    This time around, oxycodone was getting too expensive, regular vics were not enough and most of my friends had moved on to boi. I was skeptical at first, but I thought what the hell. Some years later, I’m still stuck in this nightmare. It’s never gotten any easier, the only thing that has changed is my tolerance and my desire. I no longer get high, no matter how many bags I can do.

  19. Kesli says:


    I feel the same exact way. Thank you.

  20. Jukeboxrocker says:

    Good luck with kicking the habit. Ive been clean for 7 months and I went the suboxone route for 2 years and just couldn’t stop using herOin.I’m now 19, After 3 years of using heroin I finally got off the benzos, suboxone, heroin and weed and I think cold turkey is the best way. It always saves you from having to kick the suboxone or methadone which is just as bad as heroin..from my experience. I dont forget where I came from because I can easily go back.

    • angela says:

      Hi my name is Angela. I am 25 years old and went through heroin addiction for more than 5 years. It was the worst time of my life. I have been clean for almost 4 years now. My first suggestion to you is leave your man. You need to really want to quit. If you are not ready you will not succeed. Heroin is woderful and soothing and completely FAKE.
      Everything that it makes you feel is just to keep you wanting more.
      Your heading toward death, do you want to die? I know you can make it, you at least have to try!
      Research methadone and suboxone… Methadone clinics are as easy to get addicted to as dope.
      Suboxone is the best way to go.

      Email me if you wanna chat.

  21. JUDY says:


    • angela says:

      Forget Mr. H and think about you. You will either die or end up in jail. The shit is not worth it. I was hooked for more than 5 years. I have been clean for more than 3 years now. I went to my primary care doctor and got on suboxone. It really is a miracle drug. It’s not like methadone. You will not get addicted. Life after dope is still hard. With the drug dreams and such.. be strong things will get better.
      You really need to be ready to change and move on. My mom went to the court house and put a “section 38” on me. the cops came and put me in hand cuffs and brought me to the court house and they said i was a danger to myself.
      i was locked up in a rehab in new bedford mass. for 30 days. it sucked. but that shit didnt stop me. i was just sick and tired of being sick and tired… i was ready to just be a junkie for the rest of my life. but i knew i could be better. i wasnt ready to give up on myself, you shouldnt get there… get strong. get your family involved!!

      If you want to respond email me at

  22. maryann says:

    I ruined my career over drugs .I was a rockett I had fallen and hurt my back and got a prescription for a muscle relaxant. when the two prescriptions ran out i couldn’t get it renewed. A girl I was dancing with said she knew a guy who could get any thing. I was in a lot of pain and snorted a short line of H my pain went away. I said if I only do it afew times a week you can’t possibily get hooked. Several months later I had my first needle I’m a full fledged junkie I have been to rehab twice and after four months off I’m back on again.I,m only 29 . The trouble is Mr H is my boyfriend he keeps me coming back. If any one tells you to try heroin DON’T.


  23. Alain says:

    HM i dont get you folks… I tried H and all i felt was the best feeling in the world, not lasting very long…. I suggest exercise more eat less junk and have alot of sex- Natural High/Euphoria is the best and honest.. Good luck!

  24. Helen says:

    Hi everyone … I found this site after doing some research as I have a friend who is an addict .Another friend of mine was murdered and had a sad life of drug addiction and prositution … I go to Hillsong Church we have many ex drug abusers and amazing get free programs and support for people .. My experience is people do get free from drugs all the time … Its often timing , and coming to the absolute end of themselves … But be warned you don’t want to die lonely with a needle in your arm without realizing God lives you there is hope and people care …My heart goes out to you guys that are in the grips of drugs of all kinds .. I spent a 10 years doing what I wanted and experimenting
    myself with drugs in the 80s and 90s but had a rock bottom experience and cried out to God and I was broken and He reached out and my life started to change .. Now I’m helping others with the wisdom and things I’ve learnt …i spent a few years doing volunteer work up at Kings Cross in Australia and just naturally have a heart and love the people and I just want to bring you home and look after you and show you how you’ll life can be sooo amazing and filled with the live and warmed you so d

  25. Helen says:

    There is sooo much more and happiness / joy / peace / health / love is there…. But I need to point this out if you have friends addicted all you can do is be a friend and pray .. Come alongside them , be there but be aware and wise …my girlfriend is on a journey herself But knows I’m here she knows where to get help but I can’t force her .. She needs to come to the end of herself and im here .. She has 2 children her daughter was born with eyes wideset ( typical of stud use ) her son is angry getting suspended from school etc .. Her boyfriend is an addict as well … They are involved in illegal activity to sell and use herion , she is often up sick all night ( dope sick ) can’t eat , house is dirty , often depressed .. Her life evolves around the drug taking and timing of getting a fix within the hours of kids at school and having the dope sick
    Withdrawing so she can try to function …. It’s sad when you Lise everything to addiction breaks my heart and I don’t want this to happen to another of my friends I love .. I know that at some stage you as an addict will not be deceived anymore it will hit you that the addiction is taking over .. There will be shame and guilt and wishing you hadnt ripped off family friends … You will feel
    Like a useless humanbeing and get so selfish that you just don’t care it’s all about that hit ….you will want to die … My absolute heart
    to you is these thoughts are not true / they are lies … I
    Love you God Loves you Jesus came to die for you so you could experience being free in this life from whatever … Don’t give up ask for His help then you will begin your journey of healing like myself … not the sythethic , fake , hopeless …life of an addict .,,but You Will
    You will receive real living and wonder and warmth and the true rush of
    everlasting Love that only God can give xoxoxoxoxoxo

  26. Christine says:

    Hello everyone, I came across this website on Facebook & decided to check it out. I’ve been an addict for over 10 years, and have had many relapses while trying to get clean. Honestly I thank god for Suboxone because without it I wouldn’t be clean for the past 5yrs 4mos 13days! I used any opiates I could get my hands on for 10+ years, then after I had my daughter I got clean cold turkey. I stayed that way for about 10 months, then the thoughts crept up on me and I thought what we all say”Well just this one time then I’ll stop”. Yeah right like it’s ever one time with addicts! I went on a binge for 2 months before I checked into a detox facility, then after that began seeing a phsychiatrist who prescribes suboxone. He got me off of zoloft which is an anti depressant, & onto Lexapro which is a much better anti-depressant. With the help of Suboxone & Lexapro I have been clean for these past 5 years so I can be a good mom. The thoughts still come every now and again, but my life is so much better now that I’m not chasing the high that I hope to never go back. Good luck to all who are trying to quite opiates, & I highly recommend talking to someone and trying Suboxone! God Bless.

  27. Mose Kowitz says:

    I thanks you for your post. Thank you 🙂 I recommend doing acupuncture

  28. luke says:

    hi my name is lucas an the best way to say this is i smoked brown for almost six months and it did not take long to hit bottom for me. when i started to notice this happend i got robed all the time my friends even would steal clothes shoes food or just anything worth money. then my mom started noticing me change i wouldnt eat or and pass out at strange times so she lookd all this up on google and she only had ideas in her mind. then shortly after she found reynolds wrap in my room and i said idk how it got there must off been there for a long time and she bought it. but still smokn someone close to me my best friend actually told her what i was doing and she told me tht she just wanted to hangout just us two and i thought nothing of this untill i was infront of a evaluation center and u know what they told me i needed help which i figured would happen but they denied me of any methadone or suboxone my opinion tht was stupid as fuck i need to quit just drop it not likely so for the next few days i could not sleep my les would cramp up and make me drop to the ground. and had nigh sweets every night,, and its three months later now an only used once and cant even live at my moms house anymore i had to move to kenmore with my aunt. just want sum feed back see wat people go tru about this drug. still to this day i think about it every day i miss the smell the taste the nodds everything about it i have dreams where i just smoke a piece that wont go away never gets any smaller, then i wake up covered in sweat fucn sad man.

  29. phil says:

    all i have to say is after reading your story i actually feel a little bit better about myself. well i have been clean from heroin for about 2 years now, but its almost like i try to pretend that it never even happened. just going day to day living my life… well it catches up with you at some point i guess. well pretty much the same exact thing happened to me, my best friend brought over a bag of dope after my father recently passing away,(i didnt have the best friends at the time) and it “appeared” to cure my depression. it got worse and worse progressively, much like you described, and before i knew it i was shooting up like 5 packs a day on a good day. after about a year of using, everything came crashing down hard and i got kicked out of my parents house, and fortunately my grandparents sent me to this rehab place in detroit where i found god. i just wanted to say to anybody struggling with this horrible addiction, that you can quit this! just keep yourself away from all aspects that are somehow related to dope, delete all your bad numbers, and most importantly stay positive!!! there is a way out of this madness, even though it may seem impossible. god bless

  30. Michelle says:

    After read your story,I felt that is a light at the end of the tunnel,I started with my boyfriend popping percocets,vicodin,morphine,roxys,oxys and any kind of painkiller we can get our hands on,then one day the people we used to buy pills run out of them or stop getting prescription,and my boyfriend told me,if I want dope,so I will not feel sick,and of course I said yes,without hesitate where I put myself through.
    after 1,5 years popping pills every single day,I decided to snort my first bag of dope,I felt so good and I remember throw up my guts,and after that first bag,I so want more and more,and my tolerance was so high,that I was doing more than my boyfriend,and hiding my stash so I could do all by myself,after he left for work,we started fighting,and wasnt a relationship anymore,was dope sick love,we constantly arguing,and he was abusive,but I didn’t care at the time,the more we fight,the more dope I want to do it.
    Everyday was a constanly hustle with money to score my next fix,I came to a point that I spend all my money on dope,I didn’t care if I didnt have money to eat,if I have dope I was happy,That happen until I started selling my eletronics and everything I could make a quick cash to support this gruesome habit,and I was so terribly depressed and feeling suicidal,hopeless and so miserable,no social life,no friends,I stopped going to concerts(Heavy Metal that I enjoyed the most) and the only thing I did,was getting high in my room for 2 and half years.
    one day I wake up feeling the urge to call my parents to come and pick me up so I could move back with them,they first hesitated,but I was crying for help and they finally came and help me move out and I still doing while I was living with them.But one morning I wake up and went straight to my purse to get my bags to do a line and I could not find none of them,I was like going nuts,I swear I had them in my purse,well I look over,and over and nothing,I had this weird gut feelings that my mom,checked my purse and found them,and thats exactly what happened,not just her,but my dad as well,so they put me in detox follow up rehab,which I left on the 10th day,I relapsed and went back to detox,second time,and now here I am,I’ve been clean for only a week,and cannot stop think about nothing but dope,I dont know what to do anymore,this disease is killing me and my family slowly,I;m going to NA meetings everyday and think about it go to methadone or suboxone programs,please I take any suggestions,please help me!!!Thanks everybody and sorry to write this long story,I need to let it out,,,,,,

  31. Lexy says:

    Hey. My name is Lexy, short for Alexa. I’m 17 years old and i’m addicted to heroin. My boyfriend and my old girl-friends started out snorting percocets and OC’s about 2 years ago. It was the new thing in my town, and it lost its stigma, SO many people i knew were doing it. It was a love affair with snorting 80’s, til they were discontinued in CT. I quickly discovered Opanas, and began spending $60 a pill. I had tried H once, thrown my guts up and never touched it again. Here I am, months later trying to get rid of my growing coke/crack habit. Again, this was the new thing! Smoke some crack (which sounded like something only homeless junkies do) then snort some dope to come down! Heroin started out as fun, i had always loved opiates. I’d always tell myself I won’t get addicted, I’m just a teenager having fun yanno!! Well, it quickly turned into an every weekend event, a few times a week event, to a few times a day. I needed my fix or else I felt like I was dying. I’ve never IVed or smoked it, just snorted it. I love the sting in my nose, i love the taste of the drips, i love smoking a cigarette after blowing a few bags. It erases all pain and worry, and i am craving it more than ever right now. i’ve been clean for 5 days since my school called me into the office, taking my blood pressure, checking my pupils, etc. I had no idea what had brought this on, since my heroin problem had been well kept. (or so i thought) i had blown a bag or two the morning of. Pissed off, i sat in the office waiting for my parents and figured theyd ask for a pee sample once we got home and that i’d go into my nasty pee stash and whip up some clean pee for mama. did not go quite as planned, and my mother brought me to the ER. I felt so looked down upon as my mother told them I was here for heroin withdrawals. They looked at me like they didnt understand why I was doing it. I know an equal amount of girls that do dope as I do guys, maybe girls just keep it a better secret. Anyways, after laying there sweating chills up my spine for almost 2 hours, the doctor prescribes me clonodine and ativan and sends me home just like that. I detoxed at home and I am not allowed to have any visitors. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, and he’s my bestfriend and we are both getting clean. I just want to see him and hug him and have him tell me i’m going to be okay but she insists hes going to bring me drugs. We had a relationship before dope, I want to continue a healthy relationship without it. I just feel so helpless and alone… his family is treating him so different mine is trying to “tough love” me when all i need is real love… Keeping me locked in my room 24 hours a day isnt helping my depression that i already have. Anyone know how i feel? 🙁

  32. laura says:

    i have a boyfriend now of 3 years and hes been fighting herion for 10 years i love him but he dont care bout my feeling i sit up at night worring bout him theres nights he dont come home when we first got together he was clean 8 months later gets herion again and this is an on going battle with him i dont do drugs and dont think i can take much more of this he says he dont need help when i bring it up he gets very rude to me so i think here in a few dayz in gunna leave and then he will have noone but him self to thank for this this drugg is stupid and takes over people u only live once why not be happy with the ones that love u

  33. robin says:

    Found this website when I googled “Is there any hope for crack and heroin addiction.” My son’s first rehab was at 18. He is 26 gonna be 27 this year. His first rehab was cocaine and oxy’s. For three years now he is a heroin addict shooting it mixed with cocaine. Since the last year he is now doing the heroin mixed with cocaine and smoking crack. He has an 8 year old daughter whose father has been in and out of rehabs all her life. Her mother died in a car accident just past her first birthday on the night my son was going to ask her to marry him. Since then he has been on a train wreck straight in the pits of hell. I now have guardianship of her thru the courts. He is still in her life and causing alot of emotional problems for her. Since the heroin he has not been able to be clean for longer than 2 weeks. (he was doing well for a few months just abit ago for the first time.) He found a christian girl who I love to death and he is on the road to ruining that. We have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for treatment. His grandmother still provides him a place to live. I won’t let him live with me. I can’t afford for him to steal from me and my mother lives like a prisoner in her own home (her choice). It has destroyed everyone in our family. I can’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. He has had numerous drug charges on him. Theft. You name it yet he seems to get out of it thru the help of a high priced attorney my parents pay for. I do know this he has pretty much lost everything that matters in life, has no money, steals, lies, cheats and still he has not hit his “bottom”. I’m wondering if he has a bottom. He has od’d and they had to revive him twice, still uses. His cousin was buried from heroin overdose, he still uses. My fear is he will die. He looks like death, no veins really left in his arms. has hep c. Only my faith in God and the saving life of Jesus Christ do I cling to in the darkest of times. I pray for every addict. The pain they not only cause themselves but the pain they cause everyone they love is so heart wrenching. The lies the addict believes and tells themselves is incredible. I know my son hates himself and what he has done but can’t get out of the grip of his first true love – the dope. That is his only friend besides the drug dealer. Please get help everyone and stay the course. Look up nutrition. Big key if you are willing to try it. Prayers to all of you and God Bless!

  34. kristopherson says:

    hello all, i am a 20 year addict of opiates and other drugs.
    since I was 15 I started smoking weed and popping pills.
    I grew up with loving parents. dad was an alcoholic vietnam veteran and they divorced when i was 6 or so. Since that time, life seemed to throw everything at me. Between having 3 family and friends die in 1 week in 6th grade to the same thing happening in 8th grade. Pulling up to my grandmas house before school to see the paramedics carting her out, my stepsister running out of the house crying, pretty dramatic scene. At a young 15 i was molested by an escaped cuban rebel who was doing time for murder, who was granted asylum and ended up in the military. At the time my older sisters were dating army guys, so he was around, and he was a major predator, waiting 6 months before he took his chance. After a few months of abuse and maniuplation i contemplated killing him, but could not help think about the repercussions, then i thought about turning him in, but our court system is failed and he would be out in 10 years and i would have to worry for the rest of my life knowing he was out free and could come and kill me, and he was crazy enough he probably would. Thankfully the army base moved and it went away.

    It was then that i started popping xanax,vicodin,loricet,toradol, weed and anything else. My friends parents had a huge supply and we ate at their supply freely without suspect.

    Make a long story short since im not good at these, ive always been depressed and anxious, but for some reason, i always got good grade, graduated from college and now have a decent career making good money and a cute girlfriend.

    THing was, i never stopped doing drugs for any long period of time. I almost died from cocaine overdose 12 years ago. I did 4 eight balls in 1 weekend. I tried heroin for the first time 10 years ago, and have been off and on with it, but pills always seemed to be my problem.
    weed and beer were never a problem because i socially used those and gradually moved away from weed because it made me paranoid and couldnt sleep. I get drunk from 3 beers so im a cheap date too.

    I went to China to study kung fu and at the time i was taking xanax for anxiety because i didt start getting my first panic attacks until i was in my late 20’s. so teh dr prescribed me a ton of xanax, and i conned him into giving me 2 huge bottles of vicodin cough syrup too, because since college i learned how to get it when i had a “cough” and would act innocent when saying hycodan, I would pronounce it wrong as if i wasnt too sure.
    So i went to China for my first trip out of the US and it was SO wild and intense, and HOT AND MUGGY. I couldnt sleep at all and the energy was so strong, so i took cough syrup ad xamax every day and every night. I ended up staying in Beijing for 2 months before i had to go home or else i was going to kill myself. I had become an insomniac and couldnt sleep without xanax, and i was so hooked. I tried to quit cold turkey and the withdrawl was so bad that i looked it up and they said never ever go cold turkey, you can have seizures. So it took me 2 years of tapering off and i finally did it and was clean for a long time.

    in 2011, they hired this lady to help me with my accounts as an assistant, she was much older and had just had liposuction and other surgery. I had been clean for years, and down at my cabin, i hurt my neck real bad wrestling my cousin at my cabin in the river. Ive always had vertebral problems as it runs in my family. i pinched te nerves in my c7/t1 and t5, causing the most intense pain ive ever felt, so bad it would keep me up and make me cry. i went to the dr and he wanted to give me a shot of toradol but i was scared. so i went to the chiropractor as i have been to one before and it helped alot. So i started goin to him. But at the same time, one day at work i was complaining about my neck pain and the lady we just hired plopped a small handful of vicodins on my desk and said to take those for the pain. From that point on she must have fed me a few hundred pills over 2 months. She had these HUGE bottles and she would get them mailed to her, she had 7.5s and norcos all day long. She got fired, but she never said a word and i never said a word, but at that point i went to my dr and conned into a bottle vicodins with refills, i timed the refills so they werent too frequent and they woudl keep refilling them. then i faked being sick and got more vicodin cough syrup with multiple reflls. Eventually i ran into an OLD friend randomly that i know uses heroin and asked him if he stil did, and he said yes. and within less than a week, I had my hands on it. I never shoot it, just smoke it. That sound, smell and taste. chasing the smoke was the best. i would hit it before work, at lunch and after work. My girlfriend that lives with me didnt know, nobody knew. I handled multi million dollar sales accounts, and did good with them, winning accolades from managers.

    here i am, its Thursday, and the last time i used was Monday night. I had been using pills then to heroin for almost year straight and the withdrawls are teh worst ever. My work hates me, even though i never get time off. I dont care though, i cant be at work right now. All ive been doing is looking at forums and reading peoples stories and they all sound fairly similar. This drug is poison and for every pleasure it produces, the hell taht inevitably awaits is tenfold. And IT WILL HAPPEN. I came clean with my girl and family and they are supportive, the dr gave me 5 ambien to help me sleep. I told him no more than 5. I have to go to work tomorrow and its going to suck. I have so much to catch up on, and they hired a new gal to be my assistant so i have to start training too. I’m SOO tired from not sleeping for several nights. chills hot flashes, shivers, restlessness, shaking, diarrhea, nausea SO HARD CORE right now. And its hot outside which makes it even worse.

    Im hoping i dont relapse into insomnia again.
    that is my biggest fear, I have less of a fear of doing heroin again than i do going back to the insomnia. I know i just have to take it in stride and stay as strong as possible and muscle through it. seeing everyones stories is an inspiration and i wish i could give each of you a hug because i know exactly what you have all felt before

  35. Justin says:

    With the insomnia your body is going through high blood pressure and anxiety. Easier said than done, try to not obsess over it. If you have access to a bike I would advise riding it, as uncomfortable as it maybe, to tire your body out. Detox tea’s and lemon water help. Sweat a lot. I mean a lot to try and speed this detox up. Sauna, with fluid replacment it important. Most of all remember………….IT WILL GO AWAY, IT WILL GET BETTER, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.

  36. Justin says:

    Please post questions. Ive been through this hell and know a lot about it. I know first hand talking with others is a great tool. PLEASE REMEMBER……THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS GO AWAY. WHEN THEY DO REALIZE ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THEM COME BACK.

  37. sally says:

    what do people think of suboxon,,,if thats how its spelt,,,please b patient as i am knew to this,,,,do u have to go cold turky after u r finished your script as i want of these tablets asap

  38. Janice says:

    It takes a lot to have the courage to be honest with ourself and others. I can totally relate to your story I was a heroin addict for 30 years. I have 1 year clean and I would rather die than EVER go back to that life. I agree with you that the heroin life is like no other, and I dont mean that in a good way. I am happy for you that you gained control of your life before it was to late. Congrats to you!!

    • Jules says:

      Yes it is like no other,,, a horrible depressing lonely life!!!!!! And until u make that change for yourself then u will be we get better!!!!!!! I am not saying it’s easy to do ,, it’s a struggle but it can be done!!!! I wish everybody gd luck ,,,, I am now clean but I will b honest everyday I think about the use of drugs,,, but again I would also rather die than go back to the life I led x

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