Addiction Search
Translate A3
EnglishFrenchGermanItalianPortugueseRussianSpanish
Subscribe

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Addiction Keywords
Addiction help on facebook
adiction

Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth

October 15th, 2011

By the time I was done with my addiction to crystal meth, I had racked up 4 arrests, 9 felonies, a $750,000 bail, a year in jail, and an eight year suspended sentence to go along with my 5 year probation period. Though I think education is important to keep getting the message out about addiction and drug abuse, there is no doubt that addiction stories do a great job of getting the message across, so here goes.

My crystal meth addiction story

The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast. That’s why I was surprised when they came to my rescue after 3 years of barely speaking to them. My lawyer recommended that I check into a rehab facility immediately; treating my drug abuse problem was our only line of legal defense.

cocaine linesI had long known that I had an addiction problem when I first checked myself into rehab. Still, my reason for going in was my legal trouble. Within 3 months, I was using crystal meth again, but the difference was that this time, I felt bad about it. I had changed in those first three months. The daily discussions in the addiction treatment facility, my growing relationship with my parents, and a few sober months (more sobriety than I had in years) were doing their job. I relapsed as soon as I went back to work in my studio, which was a big trigger for me, but using wasn’t any fun this time.

I ended up being kicked out of that facility for providing a meth-positive urine test. My parents were irate. I felt ashamed though I began using daily immediately. My real lesson came when I dragged myself from my friend’s couch to an AA meeting one night. I walked by a homeless man who was clearly high when the realization hit me:

I was one step away from becoming like this man.

You see, when I was in the throes of my crystal meth addiction, I had money because I was selling drugs. I had a great car, a motorcycle, an apartment and my own recording studio. After my arrest though, all of that had been taken away. I just made matters worse by getting myself thrown out of what was serving as my home, leaving myself to sleep on a friend’s couch for the foreseeable future.

Something had to change.

homelessI woke up the next morning, smoked some meth, and drove straight to an outpatient drug program offered by my health insurance. I missed the check-in time for that day, but I was told to come back the next morning, which I did. I talked to a counselor, explained my situation, and was given a list of sober-living homes to check out.

As I did this, I kept going to the program’s outpatient meetings, high on crystal meth, but ready to make a change. I was going to do anything I could so as not to end up homeless, or a lifetime prisoner. I had no idea how to stop doing the one thing that had been constant in my life since the age of 15, but I was determined to find out.

When I showed up at the sober-living facility that was to be the place where I got sober, I was so high I couldn’t face the intake staff. I wore sunglasses indoors at 6 PM. My bags were searched, I was shown to my room, and the rest of my life began.

I wasn’t happy to be sober, but I was happier doing what these people told me than I was fighting the cops, the legal system, and the drugs. I had quite a few missteps, but I took my punishments without a word, knowing they were nothing compared to the suffering I’d experience if I left that place.

Overall, I have one message to those struggling with getting clean:

If you want to get past the hump of knowing you have a problem but not knowing what to do about it, the choice has to be made clear. This can’t be a game of subtle changes. No one wants to stop using if the alternative doesn’t seem a whole lot better. For most of us, that means hitting a bottom so low that I can’t be ignored. You get to make the choice of what the bottom will be for you.

You don’t have to almost die, but you might; losing a job could be enough, but if you miss that sign, the next could be the streets; losing your spouse will sometimes do it, but if not, losing your shared custody will hurt even more.

At each one of these steps, you get to make a choice – Do I want things to get worse or not?

Ask yourself that question while looking at the price you’ve paid up to now. If you’re willing to go even lower for that next hit, I say go for it. If you think you want to stop but can’t seem to really grasp just how far you’ve gone, get a friend you trust, a non-using friend, and have them tell you how they see the path your life has taken.

It’s going to take a fight to get out, but if I beat my addiction, you can beat yours.

By now, I’ve received my Ph.D. from UCLA, one of the top universities in the world. I study addiction research, and publish this addiction blog along with a Psychology Today column and a number of academic journals. I also have my mind set on changing the way our society deals with drug abuse and addiction. Given everything I’ve accomplished by now, the choice should have seemed clear before my arrest – but it wasn’t. I hope that by sharing addiction stories, including mine, we can start that process.


Posted in:  Addiction Stories, Alcohol, Cocaine, Drugs, Drugs, Education, Marijuana, Meth, Sex, Sex
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
 

46 Responses to “Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth”

  1. GentlePath says:

    This was a fantastic post. I’m glad you shared a bit of your journey. That part about not liking being sober but liking not being arrested was good. It takes a while to get used to being sober. I think that’s not only because it’s a new way of life, but it’s a new brain chemistry too.

    What a tremendous success story!

  2. I really liked this post. Can I copy it to my site? Thank you in advance.

  3. Esmeralda says:

    I really liked this story I have recently been looking up articles and reading storys on meth. My bf is an addict im trying to help him. He is ready to he wants to quit he just started a AA meeting yersterday and he did it on his own im so happy for him. He is trying so hard to stop his tired of it and Im there to support him it’s hard and the withdrawals are terrible for him but I tell him he can do it.He just has to keep on trying there is life on the other side of the crystal pipe!!

  4. diamonds says:

    I’m a 38 year old mother of 4 children, ranging from the ages of 14 to 18 years of age. My husband has been a crack/cocaine addict since my youngest son was born. We have been together on and off for the past 20 years. Throughout this time, he had other relationships and so did I but we would always end up back together. At this time we are presently divorced but lived together up until last week. You see, time and time again, he uses, steals from my children and lies. Time after time, I keep taking him back. He’s tried rehab, 12 steps (but never completed), sponsors, out patient care, but nothing seems to work. For the past two months, he had kept clean. I had been giving him “privileges” as time went on, such as letting him take my children to Dr. appointments, letting him stay at home by himself, giving him small amounts of money (supervised). Last week, he took my truck to take my son to an appointment and never came back. I got that old familiar feeling that something was wrong, well, I was right. I eventually made some calls to police officers (which happen to be friends of mine) and I found my truck parked around the corner from a “crack house”. I picked up my truck and left, at this point, he still had my house keys. I did not hear from him until the following morning. I was very upset, disappointed, confused and needless to say, I felt betrayed. He told me to meet him at a close by store and told him he could not come back to the house. He told me he had a slip and he wanted to come back. I said no and demanded he give me my house keys which he refused to do so. I left to work. In the meantime, my oldest son was at home. He called my son and told him he would give him the keys and again to meet him at the store. My son went to the store and which time, he went to the house (while my son was at the store) at stole my children’s X-Box and some games. My son now feels betrayed by his father and doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, this is not the first time he does this type of thing to him. Since the day this happened, my husband had been out on the street and I really don’t know where. He sends me texts with messages like “God forgive you”. I guess he knows that I feel guilty about not letting him come back home. Did I make the right decision? Please advise……………..

  5. Adi Jaffe says:

    Diamonds, that’s one hell of a story, so much so that I’d love to publish it on the site one day.

    In regards to your question: The right decision is an elusive concept since no one can know what the outcome would be if you made any one of a whole set of different decisions. In my opinion, you made the right decision save for one other option: Sending him back to a long-term residential treatment.

    Your (ex)husband sounds like a classic chronically relapsing addict. As I’ve talked about in other posts, for someone like your husband, I believe long term, like 6-12 month treatment, is necessary.

    No doubt, such an option can be expensive unless he can go to a Salvation Army or similar option. Additionally, you may simply be too sick of him to put in the effort and I don’t think anyone would blame you…

    If you feel like it, send me an email and I’ll see if I can help you find a place.
    .-= Adi Jaffe´s last blog ..What makes the 12 steps (and other social support groups) a good part of addiction treatment aftercare? =-.

  6. diamonds says:

    Sorry for the delay, I only have access to internet when I’m at work…….I wouldn’t mind you publishing this story, maybe i can help someone else out too…….

    Thank you for your response……..i would like to find some help for him. He is still out on the streets. I have been helping him (somewhat) and wish for him to get better. but i would’nt know where to start with getting him into a facility. I’ve even contemplated calling the “INTERVENTION” you know, the show on TV. Needless to say, my income would not allow me to support his rehab financially and my insurance which he is a part off, does not cover this type of illness. I would welcome any help i can get for him. I know he is open to any help. I do still love him. NOT BECAUSE OF, BUT INSPITE OF…..
    Diamonds

  7. Anon says:

    Thanks for the article… I really needed to read those words.

    I’m a meth addict who is desperately looking for recovery.

    I have been with the NA group for about a year now but just can’t seem to stay clean for longer than 5 months. I’ve relapsed so many times I’ve lost count and am so ashamed of myself as I sit here typing just two days into my umpteenth relapse- I hate doing this to myself and I want the insanity to stop… but like a fool I keep repeating this cycle.

    I feel like I’m losing my mind because I HATE this drug and what it’s doing to me and I genuinely don’t want to do this anymore but yet I can’t stop myself from giving into my clearly irrational obsession to use it. I’m losing confidence in my own sanity- when I look at my situation from the outside in, I can’t help but see a crazy person- I KNOW why I want to quit… I WANT recovery and sobriety so badly… but yet I ignore these very thoughts and use. I don’t even know WHY I do.

    How do I stop the madness? When I first realised I have a problem, I was under the impression that I needed to change my mindset. In all honestly, my mind is dead-set against meth… but I can’t stay away from it.

    I’m a teacher at a school for children with special needs- I love my job! You say that I get to choose what the bottom will be for me- I don’t want it to be my losing this job.

    So where to from here?

    I’ve thought about rehab but it seems so pointless when I know that I’ve been clean for a period of five months with the help of NA but relapsed just before the 6 month milestone. Why would rehab be any different? Secluding myself from society for three months without the use of drugs and then going back out into a world that will not have changed a bit- what are the odds that I wouldn’t simply go back to using?

    I know that my attitude isn’t exactly oozing positivity but I’ve gone into the NA rooms so many times with a positive and eager attitude that hasn’t helped one bit. I now prefer to stay realistic about my addiction instead.

    I found your article to be practical and honest…your advice is practical and I will definitely give it a go.

    I would really appreciate it if you could drop me a mail when you have the time- I need all the help and advice I can get.

    Thanks again
    Ciao

  8. MonTana says:

    I can not tell you how the honesty rings so true in your story. From what my own life experience with life long substance association has taught me, honesty with yourself is the only way. Your path has been a rough one, but it lead to this blog, an excellent education, and a way to help others, and there are many out there. Thank you for caring. This direct help is on par with many recent psychology courses I have taken locally. Again, honesty and good information being the common theme.

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Thanks a lot Jan,
      It’s taken a while to get here, and lord knows the journey’s far from over, but it’s always great to get feedback like this from readers. The goal of this site is to help others so that hopefully, they can cut their detour a little short. The notion that it might be working is all I need to keep going.

  9. Claudia says:

    All i can say really. Is that put these stories all over the internet and everything and try and get our next generation to put a stop to this addiction. I found this story very inspiring thanks for sharing so much. Your story is remarkable.

  10. Dirk Hanson says:

    Yow. Nobody can accuse YOU of not knowing how it is.

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Ha! They could, but then I’d have to make some phone calls to old acquaintances and settle scores!
      On a more serious note, I have my story, but I try to let is merely inform, not dictate, the way I look at scientific research on the topic. Examples are great, but numbers and patterns in data show us things that personal experience, or even a cursory look at data, which if you’ve ever tried you know is extremely frustrating, just can’t.

      • Amy says:

        Hi Adi Jaffe will you read my story and give me your input! Thanks this is the first time I’ve talked to anyone bout this! My name is Amy look for my story about my boyfriend! Thank you

  11. julie says:

    I am very interested in this. I am a very smart, capable person had everything going for me and threw it all away to meth. Problem is I knew meth was ruining my life but I have had a terrible time quitting. I even have had my children removed by DHS. I have quit thru treatment and 12 step meetings so many times. I currently have a year clean and have had the same job for 4 years. Wish I could say all that time I was clean but it wasn’t. I just want to stay clean and get on with my life. I have wasted 20 some years using and just want it to be over. I plan on going back to school next year which I have done in the past only to throw away again from once again relapsing. I feel this is pretty much my last chance. I am getting to old so I will give it one more try and continue to add to my clean time and hopefully make my life better. Thanks for sharing your story. I know there is hope I just hope I find it.

  12. mr.biggles says:

    Great article. As for me, I lost cravings for my drug of choice, i just get more and more anhedonic and sick during its intoxication if i spell it right. I do not know whether you did this during the long run or not. But many overlook exercise,its simply excruciating mentally to do it some days, but afterward if you push yourself it’ll give you some relief. it is simply the one thing that has kept me semi sane for the last while. (well an entire dietary and physical changeover really.)

  13. keisha says:

    I just want to thank my higher power for blessing me with 9yrs clean and sober one thing i had to do beacause in the past i was a relapser ii had went to treatment for the wrong reasons so for that matter i had went back to using because i was nit trying to change at all this time around i was just tired of living how i was and i surrendered my life over to a power greater than mysself and i kepp surrendering on a daily basis i now have 9yrs and i must say relapse is not part of my program and does not have to part of yours i got tired of spending my money on dope and couldnt even buy a pack of ciggs. it was the feelings i use to feel when my dope was gone and everyone else was gone to so why not give your self a chance you can go more than five months clean just surrender and get tired play that tape over and maybe just maybe something may click on its easier staying off of the drug than it is chasing it. i hope and pray that who ever is trying to stop i hope you stay stopped.

  14. Vanessa W says:

    Hello; to the woman who’s husband is the addict, I am shocked and surprised beyond words that NO ONE here has mentioned that she needs Narc-anon, Al-anon, any anon meeting she can find. She is a classic co-addict/codependent and this cycle is NEVER going to change unless she does.

    I speak from experience. I am a recovering drug and sex addict, now with 7 years of sobriety. I ultimately lost 2 marriages as a result of my addictions. Looking back, I can see that I was never going to get healthy as long as my then husband was going to keep taking me back (we had 2 kids together). Eventually, the last husband kicked me out and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me into recovery. The first few years were hard and I ultimately ended up going back out 3 years into recovery. The last straw, and my bottom, was waking up in the hospital with tubes coming out of almost every opening I had. I’d been beaten, gang raped and left for dead on the side of the road. The ah-ha moment was when the doctor, standing over me with the saddest looking face you’ve ever seen and said, “I have no reasonable explanation as to why you’re still alive, but you are. You should not be, given your injuries.” It was in that moment that I realized that if I kept trying to control my addiction, using just a “little” (no such thing), I was going to die. I have been sober ever since.

    Now married to a man that I met in program, we have both been through, and go to meetings for NA, SA, S-anon, and Narc-anon. It is incredibly hard for the partner of an addict to come to grips with the fact that they are just as sick as the addict, but they are. If they don’t seek help and get healthy they are going to continue to make the same sick decisions where their partner is concerned. If they move on from that partner, they will be drawn to another equally as sick. There are no exceptions.

    I too have moved on with my life and, as I said, am happily married, 7 years sober and working as a nurse. I am happier, healthier and better adjusted than I have ever been in my life. However, it was not easy. In fact, I would not wish early recovery and therapy on the devil himself. It is tough. Coming to terms with my own demons, and getting to the bottom of why I was using in the first place, while the hardest thing I have ever had to do, has allowed me to heal those wounds, forgive, and move on from them to the life I have now.

    To the woman who’s husband is the addict–please, please, please, seek help in some anon group. And if you can afford it (even if you can’t there are many mental health agencies based on salary alone), seek therapy to get to the bottom of why you are attracted to addicts. You are 50% of the problem and need to fix YOU before you can ever hope of fixing anyone else.

  15. carmen brown says:

    thanks for sharing! my story is very similat n i too am clean today!!

  16. sunshine says:

    hi, i have been clean for over 5 years now after a very serious 5 year addiction. i used grams a day every day for 2 years of that. i am married now with young children, and i have began to have a great deal of anxiey regarding m health. i am worried of the possible reprocussiions of all that poison i put in my body. i recently had an ECG and was told i have an enlarged heart but normal functioning. im scared to death. just wondered how heavy some of u used for how long and if u hv any health issues?

    • matt89 says:

      wow amy im in the same position as ur boyfriend…im only 23 and have had a 4 year addiction…but here in australia its ice, and its around 700 a gram…so iv clocked up a 3 thousand dollar debt in couple days…and my job pays nowhere near enough to cover that. My main reason y its so hard to quit is if i dont smoke in the mornin, i will sleep through… i go into extremely heavy sleeps and wont hear any type of alarm or anything i have to be physically shaken to wake up…and i cant afford to lose my job and it freaks me out to not wake up in time…im a trucker…so iv smoked everyday, for about 3-4 yeaars now…want to quit…but i cant lose this job…its a fucken vicious cycle

      • Amy says:

        Hey Matt89,
        I am so sorry to hear that you are in the same situation as my bf. It is really a hard sad viscous cycle. I had no idea they had that stuff in Australia. Im all the way in the United States of America 365 miles away from good old Hollywood movie stars! Yeah that drug is so prevalent here in the city I live, I know so many people that smoke this stupid drug. The only thing that keeps me going is that I am working to get my bachelors in science in environmental engineering and hopefully make enough money to be able to support my boyfriend to where he wouldn’t have to work and have time to just sleep the drug OFF! It truly is heartbreaking when you, the addict, wants to quit but in order to quit it would mean to not make money to support yourself. I wonder if there is any way you could stay with some family or friends for a while and get off of it say your job gets slow or you get laid off. Most people abuse that drug for 35 years or so , it is still early for both you and my bf to stop before it becomes 35 years of abusing. So better to quit now before you have kids and have a family and it even gets harder. i wish you luck and pray for you, I know exactly what your going thru. Keep in touch.

  17. Amy says:

    I need help! I am 24 years old and my boyfriend is addicted to meth! He has been using for almost 5 years now! How can he go to rehab when he has a job? He does get so violent, but he still has sense to never hit me. I just don’t kno what to do!? I feel so helpless! I know I’m just enabling him but I can’t leave him! I love him so much! He has only been using for about 5 years. I’ve tried leaving him but he says he will commit suicide(we live together). I can’t afford to be on my own. The job he has now is good. I don’t want him to loose it! Any suggestions? I live in Merced,CA. Since I’ve been with him I know so many meth addicts! It is such an epidemic! Please help. Oh and with the job he has now he has health benefits. But I just don’t want him to lose his job its going so good for him. He wants to quit. Said he needs a week off from work to get off of it by sleeping it off but he has been at his job for 5 months now…and it will be a while before he goes on vacation. He works 6 days a week 10 hours a day he smokes in the morning to wake up then again at lunch time and then again in the evening. He gets an average of 5-6 hrs of sleep every night. So I mean he is not shooting up and staying home all the time and smokes…but it is still a problem. He spends 400 dollars a month on meth. Please help! Thank you!

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Hi Amy and thank you for writing,
      Outpatient treatment sounds like the best first step for your boyfriend. You can look up options online, or using our rehab-finder, or by calling our number (323-592-9591) and speaking with us directly. Unfortunately, your boyfriend will likely need somewhere around 5-7 days when he stops using because his body will need to recover. If he has health benefits through work as well as a union (?) he could probably talk to someone and see if they have an employee assistance program. If they do, that program could help with the necessary leave time, if not, he should find out from the union whether that would be covered. Finally, he could plan things so that he stops on a friday evening of a long weekend, it’ll give him 3-4 days which might just be enough.

      Of course, there’s no guarantee of success on first try or using an outpatient treatment provider, but it would make for the most logical first step in my opinion.

      Sincerely,
      Dr. Jaffe

  18. annon says:

    i am stay at home mom with two 4 year old girls. Looking for job. Nobody knows exept for my partner living with me. He works and also have a problem. We wanna quit so badly but cannot go to rehab. Scared out kids will be taken away. The situation is not bad, still take care of kids, enough food, love and shelter. smoking eveyday for 4 years, less than half gram. Im moody and dont go out house. We dont fight. I just feel withdrawn from world and want my life back and my health. Wanna feel normal. How can i do this by myself at home? Please help.

  19. Daniel says:

    Boy have you got it right. I am going into my 18 th month clean and sober from meth. I lost so much in the 6 and a half years i was killing myself with meth. I lost my job, my family, my friends, my pride, my integrity, my dignity and the worst of all, my daughter.

    In November, 2010, I had enough. I hit that rock bottom. For me, my bottom was realizing that I would never be able to take my daughter to the movies, or the park, or a hockey game or have anything close to a normal relationship with her if I did not break the vicious cycle that was my life.

    I believe the only way to get clean and stay clean is to see and feel the tremendous value of sobriety. For some people, they don’t start seeing right away and they think “awe, this sucks…I’m depressed…I have no one…I’m going back to meth”, but if you stick it out long enough, you will start to see and feel the good that comes from sobriety. But you have to remain sober long enough for this to happen. That way, if you do relapse or even think about going back, at the very least, this will be an extremely difficult decision to make because of all the good you stand to lose. You’ve got to build up that block of time being clean so much that it becomes so valuable to you that you won’t want to risk losing it.

    For me, the value of sobriety has come in so many forms. I have my family back, my true friends back, I’ve made huge, significant gains with my daughter. Everyone is so proud of me and rooting for me. I’ve had some of my friends tell me how inspirational my story is. I see on the faces of my friends and family how happy and proud they are and it makes me so proud. After a year and a half of sobriety, I am really seeing and feeling the changes in my life and the lives of those who love and care about me. It’s so important to me now and I feel like there’s no way I would ever do anything to lose all of these things again.

    I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know that I will never be more proud of myself than I am for having overcome my addiction to meth. I am no longer a slave. My addiction doesn’t manage me anymore. I manage my addiciton and it feels great.

    If I can do it, ANYONE CAN!

  20. Jane says:

    Dear adijaffe ,

    Great story.
    Would you mind if we use it on our site at mayaplanet.org as a confessional story?

    We would also be thankfull if you support our project by becoming one of the experts on our site.

    regards,
    Jane

  21. xc says:

    The bottom for me was being trapped in hell forever, as I now have a permanent psychosis and evil thoughts that are not in ky control. I’ve lost my mind. I’ve thought of suicide daily even when I get glimpses of well being and happiness, I don’t know those feelings anymore. I’m only 21 I was messing around with a drug stronger than meth called MDPV and it really fucked me up. I’ve been clean from it for a year now and am just crazy still in my head. I’ve done some serious brain damage I believe. I’m just not a fun person to be around usually in my eyes at least. I’m a very sensitive person. More so than the average bear.. so I really don’t know what to do. The only thing I do is work. My life is literally hell sometimes. And it just makes me not want to go through with it for another 50 years or whatever. I’ve gone and seen the abyss and I don’t think I can go back. I’ve lost something more precious than a job, a car, I’ve lost my mind and soul. I understand concepts and things people are barely aware of, its just all in my head. I wish I could go back

  22. xc says:

    I can’t even smoke weed or drink caffeine anymore without it exacerbating my psychosis symptoms, anxiety, and depression. Also I’m very aware of peoples energy and thoughts. Like I’m insanely sensitive to peoples auras.

  23. xc says:

    I take that back. I’m still a pretty fun person to be around 😀 shit just had me really out there for a long time. It’s addictive as fuck! Stay away. Oh and its more like I have moments of extreme bipolar moods. I still can be very euphorically happy at times but my lows can just be quite the unbearable trip to hell :/ makes me feel like that’s all I have and what I get. But when it goes away god its a wave of relief. It can strike at random times which sucks. And I can feel the descent into madness and think “oh yay here it comes” its undeniably gotten to the point where people wouldn’t think I’ve ever messed with a drug so insanely powerful, if you just met me. Some of my screws just become a little loose at times but I have a lot of willpower so sometimes I can just shut it down completely before it even starts. I think its called downregulation of the DA and Serotonin receptors. I’ve created new neuropathways in my brain and have learned and matured a lot. I feel I’ve been given a gift and a curse

  24. allison says:

    My brother is addicted to meth and has been smoking it for at least the past 7 years. He also does other drugs and pills. He has been in trouble with the law and recently spent 2 months in jail. I think he lasted maybe a week after he got out before he started using again. His girlfriend recently left him and he is now worse off than he has ever been. He has 2 young children. He has been to the hospital 3 different times in the past 6 months for overdosing. He won’t go to rehab because he doesnt think he has a problem. It’s so hard to watch your loved one be so close to death on a daily basis. How do you help someone that does not want help? Any advice?

  25. Amy says:

    @xc: I left my boyfriend because he had been addicted to meth for many years now and I couldnt deal with the lifestyle, the finance issues that came with it, and his emotional extreme lows and extreme highs. It was the hardest thing I have had to do we were together for 6 years. I didnt know what to do I came on here and asked the Dr here and he gave me advice but my boyfriend was still reluctant about quitting. To this day I am with one eye opened wondering if he is going to make it good from this reality check im giving him or if he is going to go down even further and stay addicted. I pray amd pray because no matter what I love him. I think about the root of all evil to why I had to leave him and it devastates me just because its METH!! I have kept in touch with him and gave him words of inspiration so he wont fall so deep. 🙁
    @Allison: I am so sorry for your brother all we can do is keep him in prayer. My loved one who is addcited to meth is only my boyfriend of 6 years but I cant imagine whats its like having your own blood, a brother, addicted to meth. Its a sick and evil drug, like they say the devil made this drug. Thats is why I left my bf because I wanted to give him a reality check that I was tired of his addiction and witnessing him literally killing himself. It has taken all my energy, practically draining me at times I even fall hard. It is the worst thing I have gone through for sure. I cannot give you advice but the only thing I will say that honestly you cant help someone that doesnt want help and doesnt wanna realize that they have a problem. I hope all is better now..but there is free rehabs I believe…you could talk to him everyday and tell him you love him and that he needs help and give him words of inspiration talk to him everyday even if its the same thing over and over again… i love to talk so if anyone wants to just talk to someone im here…im no expert but ive been thru this for 5 years plus with my bf addict..

  26. pete says:

    @Amy, i have recently begun a relationship with an ice addict, and not coping too well with some of the aspects behind the drug…
    I am no stranger to the whole drug scene, just never been with a drug addict before.
    When she is sober, she is the most sweetest and loving girlfriend i could ever ask for, even when she is high, it doesnt really bother me that much
    It’s when she comes down off it that i am struggling to deal with.

    its the first time i have been around her while she is coming down, and she is such a different person
    It’s like she shuts out the whole world, including myself

    Right at this moment she is coming down, wont answer my calls or txts, and refuses to see me and anyone else
    But she also makes these promises to me that dont get followed through
    I have spoken to her sister about it, as she is aware of the problem too, but i am just at a loss Amy, hoping you can give me some advice

    I love this woman with all my heart, she has been taken advantage of her whole life, been to hell and back, and i cant blame her for turning to drugs as an escape

    I look after her constantly when she is sober, and i love to do it
    I just dont know how to deal with her ignoring or forgetting about me

    I am scared that if i ring or txt her too often i will push her away, but at the same time i want her to know that i will always be here for her
    I might not like what she does, but i am smart enough to know that only she can change herself.
    Hell, I have been a borderline alcoholic for as long as i can remember, yet i have been sober for 8 days now, without any help at all, for the first time in my life

    All because i want to be a better person, and because i dont have the urge to frink now that i have my gf
    She never asked me to stop, i just did it, for the both of us

    It gets a bit hard when i am not with her, but i havent caved in yet, and will fight it every step of the way

    I got off track there sorry

    so, anyway, if you, or anyone here can help me out, it would be much appreciated

    Im at a loss Amy, I cant even sleep in our bed anymore when she isnt with me, i cant eat as i am sick with worry
    I even slept in my car last night around the corner from her house as i am so worried about her

    Please help

  27. Amy says:

    Hello Pete,

    I am sorry for your anguish at this time and I pray that it gets better for you, the addicts, and the many families that are going through this at this very minute.
    You definitely love her, I could tell because you ended up on this site. The way I ended up on this site was because I was at a loss, I was trying to research how I can help my boyfriend with his horrible addiction. I was trying to see if there was anything I could do or if it was a lost cause. Anyway, while I was doing my research I ended up on here with the inspiring of this doctor. You love her because you got on the internet to try to get something going to get her some help. I am noting this because you have to ask yourself how much you care for this person and how much you love yourself. Only you can decide if you see any hope in her eyes, any little shimmer of hope that she WANTS out too. She has to want out too, sadly. My boyfriend did want to quit but he couldnt stop and me staying was conveying to him that I was not serious that I wanted him to get clean. He needed an extra push, but he defintely wanted to stop. He was too very sweet wether he was on it or not, but yes the come downs are the like the depths of hell. I can say with all honesty its like the devil posseses him and becomes him. I have been thru hundreds of his come downs, they are the worst thing I have witnessed. They really broke me down bad, I would cry so much. When he came down he was infuriated, in a rage, and would call me all kinds of bad things and tell me off. The hardest thing to do is to trick your mind and tell yourself that its not them, its the devil himself taking over them. I did this, I tricked myself, but after so many times, it becomes overwhelming it really breaks you down. It breaks you down because its not just your best buddy telling you off its the love of your life, the person who you want to be with every second. When he would come down and we had no money for it, he would just sleep for days until we did get money for some. But that too got to me, him just sleeping throwing his life away, becoming a slave to this drug and also being killed by it. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been thru. I did try leaving him many times but like you said they have been thru so much and well in my case, I was all he had that was a good influence on him because all his friends were drug addicts. I was literally between a rock and hard place. When I finally decided to leave him, as we had lived together for the whole six years as well, I followed thru with it because I wanted to give him a reality check that hey, I wasnt going to take the crap of this drug any longer. It was so hard because of so many things, but the most important was that he was going to become homeless if he didnt pick himself up and he would just fall even harder. He also didnt have a job so the odds were against him, but I thought to myself that if I stayed i was just enabling him to keep killing himself. I thought it was worth a shot, if nothing else because it beats staying which was obviously not working for him. It was gut wrenching, I screamed I had to go live with my mom and just abandon him had to close my eyes and hope that my leaving was going to be worth it. My boyfriend was a good person, great heart, and funny as hell, but he had a real rough childhood and well life up until this time. Its like you have to weigh a few things: One, is if she is truly worth it, if you know for a fact that, if off the drug, she is in fact a good person, good soul( and you are the only one who can be the judge of this based on the little history you have with her). When you fall in love with a person you, in a sense, meet their soul and get to know them on a profound level and thats what you fall in love with. Not just that, but you find out their intentions with you and if their love is as big as the lve you have for them. Another basis is if they are a product of their up bringing, if they had a bad upbringing then, of course they are more easily to turn to drugs, especially when they have been hurt awfully bad as was my bf. The last and most important thing is sadly, if you truly know if she wants to quit or not. She has to want to quit and wants to turn herself around atleast a little bit. You can be the boost to her turning herself around but she has to contribute some effort or she wont give in. You cannot do this on your own she has to want to quit too and admit that she has a problem. You can assist her by giving her inspirational words, trying to left her spirit up when she is on it. Try to get in her head, asking her about her life, her intention with you, her feelings for you, her goals in her life. Talk to her and tell her you love her and that you cannot stand being witness to the love of your life enslaving herself to this drug and at the same time killing her self with it. It will take many talks, but with these talks you will get a light as to how you are going to go about this. You will have to have these talks with her when she is either high or off of it. Do it when you know she is not going to get belligerent and will listen to you. When I would have these talks with my boyfriend it was both when he was off of it or on it. It was of course easier when he was high and harder when he was off of it. What would hurt me was that he would cry becuase he did want to get off of it but he felt so helpless. He was ashamed and hurting and he just wanted to please me but he needed the drug to be awake. But to be awake he was gonna do the one thing that I wasnt going to put up with. So he was trying to live but still make me happy. I knew it was a battle for him as it was for me. Only you will know how to go about this with these talks, they are necessary. You cannot be with someone that you dont feel loves you back and is just using you. You will know what to do when you have these talks with her get in her head a little at a time. Also, you have to love yourself first as well and deserve to have someone that truly loves you back. I will stop here so that you get my message as soon as possible. I will write more if you feel I am getting somewhere with your situation. I definitely know what you are going through. I will never forget crying my ass off when he treated me like shit and told me off. It is horrible. I’ll definitely pray for you and you have my sympathy. Hang in there and start with these talks…

  28. Louise says:

    Hi everyone,
    I have just broken up with my bf after 7 months of being exposed to his regular ice use and subsequent lies that resulted from this. I am 28 and he is 39 but it feels the other way around and I have had enough. He too has come from a rough background, his mother(which is who he lives with now that I have ended the relationship) is a heroin addict and his extended family have shunned them both. My bf was diagnosed with schizophrenia 3 years ago and argues that smoking ice makes him feel normal. I am doing my Masters in Psychology and am just about to launch into my career. Naturally I am interested in the human mind however I dont want to have to constantly counsel my partner. It isnt fair and its not an equal relationship. Perhaps I am at fault for seeking such a man with these features in the first place but I suppose I hoped things would improve. They havent and they wont as he doesnt even realise he has a problem. He is in complete denial. He works right near where he gets it and he told me he wanted to move to that area when he has saved the money. He lies to me about when he uses which is during the weekend and into the working week. He calls it a ‘binge’. Then he smokes weed to help with the come down for about 5 days and goes back on it. But because he lies to me I really dont know the truth of it. This leaves me feeling suspicious of him which I hate. Because it is so expensive he only uses when he is working or has exhausted all his tick options. When he is not working and depending on DSP he drinks excessive amounts and smokes loads of weed. When he does this he has verbally abused me on several occasions, calling me every name under the sun and at that point I broke it off. I got back with him on the basis that he didnt do that again, of which he hadnt but since then he has found a job and has now opted to take ice instead. I dont want to have to waste 6 or 10 or 20 years of my life to realise he isnt going to change. He is on the brink of losing his license and consequently his job. He is on a downward spiral and if he cant realise he needs to change then thats his problem. I do love him but the relationship is so toxic now that I just cant trust him anymore. I am numb. His drug addiction has become him.

  29. Addiction Myth says:

    If drugs were legal then you never would have been able to make a living off it, and you would have had to get a real job instead of being a rehab scammer.

    P.S. You were never an addict. You went to rehab only because your lawyer told you to.

    P.P.S. No one is a drug addict. It’s a myth.

    AddictionMyth.com

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Obviously I disagree, but let me ask some questions:
      -Your assumption is that if I didn’t sell drugs I would have had to get a real job. Have you ever met someone who was not a drug dealer but didn’t have a “real job?” I have met many such people, so I don’t know why that assertion makes sense.

      – If I was not an addict than why did I try to stop using more than 5 times on my own and always return to using? This doesn’t count the endless days in which I woke up and was resolute not to use only to find myself smoking meth a few hours later. Do people who have no problem with something usually continue doing things that negatively affect their lives even when they try to stop?

      -If you read my story, you’ll have seen that my first try at rehab was indeed the result of my attorney telling me to go (thanks for reading by the way). However, it was once I got kicked out of that treatment center for using that I realized I had a real problem, and the next time I went into treatment was absolutely because I knew that if I didn’t get help I would end up back in jail.

      – I’m also not sure why it matters who “made” me go (I could have obviously refused). Most people are diagnosed and told to enter treatment for a slew of conditions by health professionals – are you arguing that all those people (cancer patients, diabetics, HIV patients, and so on who didn’t discover they had a problem on their own but were prescribed treatment) don’t really have a problem?

      Again,
      thanks for reading and I’m looking forward to your reply.

      Dr. J

  30. Addiction Myth says:

    Hi Dr. J, thanks for responding.

    My point is that you were never a drug addict, despite the fact that you received treatment for it. You were a drug user having a great time, and enjoying the fast life, and cultivating the flirting-with-addiction persona. You never let your drug use get in the way of business.

    You got sober when you got tired and/or scared of that life. Suddenly drugs lost their appeal entirely. Not surprising since you were never an addict to begin with. You went into rehab for legal reasons but you would have stopped on your own. No doubt it would not have been easy, but you’ve done harder things. You used the ‘drug addict’ excuse to get out of trouble, and now you’re trying to parlay your experience into a rehab scam. (Which by the way I think is brilliant!)

    To answer your questions:

    – Unemployment was not an option for you. You’re a ‘doer’. My point is that the Drug War cultivates the Addiction Myth (disease model) and its associated industries: rehabs, prisons, drug dealing, etc. It creates the perfect opportunity for an ambitious and rebellious teenager to achieve success and prove everyone else wrong. Without the Drug War, you would not have had this option and would have had little use for drugs. (Though I am quite sure you would have found another way to make trouble!)

    – “The next time I went into treatment was absolutely because I knew that if I didn’t get help I would end up back in jail.”. Oh I thought you said it was because you saw a high homeless man: “I was one step away from becoming like this man.” The real reason you went to treatment? You were tired of sleeping on your friend’s couch and you still had insurance! It was time for a change.

    Please do a video where you admit that you are powerless over meth. Describe the times you decided to stop using, and how a compulsion beyond your greatest effort brought you back to the pipe. And now that you have the addiction disease, if you ever did meth again you would lose all control and go back to using.

    Or are you cured?

    For the sake of science and suffering addicts everywhere…..

    AM

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Again I disagree, and I get that your point is that I was never an addict but that doesn’t speak to my experience of trying to quit multiple times and failing (a point you seem to have ignored in your above comment). The point is that you are making the same mistake made by those who try to tell me that “everyone is addicted to something” or that “addiction is affecting everyone.” They assume that because they’ve seen or experienced an occurrence it must be ubiquitous. It’s too limited of a world-view.
      My own experience (and that of many others as they share it with me) tells me that one can absolutely use drugs and alcohol for years after they’ve “got tired/scared” of the life that goes along with it. But I also know that our own experiences can mislead us and so I know that my experience doesn’t have to hold and that it certainly does not have to be the only one. But to say that I “used the ‘drug addict’ excuse to get out of trouble” is nice if only I had been able to do it that easily.
      I am flattered that your ascribe so much cunning and planning to my career path, but again, you are simply off. If you want the simple answer (and I will at some point produce the VYou video response to the question you asked) – I was without question unable to stop using methamphetamine when I decided I had had enough. I tried, tried again, and tried some more. You are right that I needed a stronger impetus, but again as I argued last time, that tells me nothing about the underlying condition only about the pattern of treatment episodes.

      As an answer to your replies to me:

      – If only you had seen the others around me who lost livelihoods, health, and respect sue to their own drug use you would understand the pointless nature of calling me a ‘doer,’ whatever that means. What does it matter that I’m a doer? Are you saying that addiction only occurs in ‘doers’ or do you offer different explanations for why people use drugs and alcohol to their own detriment for every individual? At that point aren’t you simply avoiding the overarching question? What is it about drugs and alcohol that makes them such powerful providers of such outcomes? Alcohol is a legal drug and is the largest cause of the trouble you are speaking of, so are you blaming the drug was for alcohol-related problems as well? Would there be no more alcoholics if all drugs were legal and widely available?

      – Again, the real reason I went into treatment was because when I wasn’t in it it didn’t matter that I was facing 18 years in prison. I smoked meth every day the entire two weeks after I was kicked out of my first rehab. I went into treatment because I realized that if I didn’t I would be unable to stop using and end up in jail, or homeless, or worse. You can try to give me all the credit in the world but the bottom line is that at the time I didn’t know how to live on my won without using and it didn’t really matter where I was sleeping – I didn’t like that but I couldn’t stop it. And btw, insurance had nothing to do with my treatment so I’m not sure where you pulled that from.

      As to your final point – that I either have the addiction disease or not (am cured). Again, why decide to focus on the useless dichotomies that have plagued this discussion for decade? Have you not heard of diseases that can be cured? Have you not heard of conditions in remission? Is it inconceivable that a person could be suffering from something that no longer makes them suffer at a different point in time? Why is it not possible for both a) a disorder to exist that is characterized by troublesome and reduced-control (or uncontrolled) over substance use and b) cases in which that disorder is resolved either completely or partially. I think that this continuum way of thinking about substance use disorders make a hell of a lot more sense than having to choose between two options that make no sense.

      Dr J

      • Addiction Myth says:

        Thanks again for the reply. I’m glad you can admit your addiction is cured or at least in remission. It will give hope to millions of suffering addicts out there who are desperate and hopeless. I also admire your courage for taking this controversial position. This is progress.

        Now if I can only get you to admit that you were never an addict in the first place. This is a challenge, but I will try.

        Let’s for a moment imagine a boy. He is cute and sweet and charming. All the kids and teachers like him. However, there are signs of trouble. This boy is caught stealing from local stores and telling lies. He seems to be good at manipulation and flattery, and knowing exactly what to say to get what he wants and stay out of trouble. It is charming to the teachers but it drives his parents crazy. He seems to have problem with impulse control and appointments are set up with the school counselor. Things seem to stabilize.

        Later the boys shows more troubling signs. He is disruptive in school, has a tendency towards aggressive and violent behavior, and a troubling fascination with sharp weapons. As for drugs, this boy has never tried them. But he knows they are dangerous, and he knows that if he does them he might become a drug addict. He wonders what that feels like.

        This boy is displaying some of the signs of an incipient psychopath. No, certainly he is not one. Not yet. But what does the future hold for this troubled boy?

        In college the boy continues lying and stealing, although he maintains good grades — he is naturally smart and a B average is not too challenging at a state school. He begins selling drugs — mostly pot and alcohol. He does them to be cool, and to feel more comfortable at parties. He is BMOC for a while. For the first time in his life he feels like he belongs. The drug use is all easily controlled; he does not have a problem with addiction.

        Later this boy parlays his college past time into big time business in LA. He is buying and selling drugs by the truck load. He also starts using more – harder stuff like Meth and Ecstasy. But it is always under control and he never lets it affect his business. As is common in this business of theives, people cheat each other. People owe him money and he owes people money. It is dangerous and scary and he’s loving every minute of it. It feels like he’s in a Tarantino movie. Expensive cars and loose women, and most of all the sex that feels so much more intense on a meth high.

        But then suddenly it all comes crashing down. There is a bust. He is caught with huge quantities of drugs, and his lawyer tells him to take a deal. He goes into rehab because it will look better to the court if he can blame his dealing on his drug use, even though it started much earlier.

        This young man is a psychopath, liar, con man, and master manipulator. No doubt about that. Everyone knows it and sometimes he openly takes pride in it.

        He claims he got into trouble because of an overpowering addiction to drugs. His desperate need for a meth high forced him to sell drugs. Do you believe him? Remember, he is an admitted liar. Every thing he says must be taken with healthy skepticism. Do you at least consider the possibility that he got into trouble because he was a psychopath and a trouble maker from the beginning? Like all the millions of other people who get into trouble without ever using drugs? (Or are drugs really the source of all evil?) And then he used the ‘drug addict’ excuse to explain his reprehensible behavior? Do you believe him when he says he had an overpowering compulsion to use drugs, and couldn’t stop even when he decided that it absolutely had to end, once and for all? That he tried but just couldn’t do it? And he couldn’t bear the thought of rehab because it would mean the end of his precious, life-sustaining drugs, and excruciating suffering from withdrawals?

        I don’t know about you. But I wouldn’t trust this person further than I could throw him. No, I would think he was a master manipulator and con man and his so-called ‘addiction’ was a fake to avoid being held accountable for his behavior, something which he excelled at his entire life.

        But actually most people will believe him. He was a good kid at heart. He just had a drug addiction. Drugs are evil. Children, don’t do drugs or you’ll end up like him!

        Fortunately for him, people believed him, or at least gave him another chance. He escaped serious punishment. He decided not to continue in the drug world. Instead he decides to pursue another option – that of the drug counselor. It serves many purposes: he now has a career and he can further establish the Myth of Drug Addiction in the impressionable minds of young people. He can further avoid moral blame for his behavior, and make people forget that he was a psychopath. (So many ex addicts find themselves in the rehab business. It is full of ex-addicts. I wonder why.)

        Anyway, my point is this, Dr. J: This young man is you!

        And if your parents don’t seem to understand, this is why: They know you better than anyone else. They know you are lying. They know you were never an addict. They know you tortured and humiliated them intentionally. They are still waiting for your apology. Meanwhile, you are waiting for theirs, for some perceived injustice during childhood, or for making you feel ‘less than’. Who knows. Regardless, it’s a dead lock.

        • Adi Jaffe says:

          Oh man, until you said at the end that it was me I wasn’t able to figure out who this interesting person you were talking about was.
          I feel sorry that your only way to explain the world is by seeing everyone as a liar. I hope someone is able to prove to you one day that it is not so. I used to feel the way you do, and it sucks.

          Dr. J.

  31. Addiction Myth says:

    All addicts are either lying about their addiction or they are brainwashed by AA or similar. None are speaking the truth. But thank you for the sympathy. Yes the truth is not always pleasant.

    Here are some excerpts from your many online posts, which reveal the truth about your ‘addiction’:

    “I’ve always been known for doing things I wasn’t supposed to and then feeling sorry for them (or not). It was true when I was 5, long before my first sip of alcohol. Sadly, I’m realizing it is still true now and will most likely be true forever.”

    “I was a well-liked kid who smiled a lot, but inside I had the feeling that I didn’t quite fit in. This feeling, along with my innate impulsivity and hyperactivity (which would most likely have been diagnosed today as ADHD), began to manifest itself through class clowning, borderline-dangerous roughhousing, and playing around with knives.”

    “My parents fought often when I was a kid, screaming loud enough for me to take my sister away often and go play. We never talked about the fights. We never talked about my stealing either, whether I was stealing from my family (mainly my father’s porn) or from the neighborhood toy store. The one time I got caught, my father sternly told me to return my new toy and to never be caught stealing again. I began stealing away from my neighborhood; it would be years before he’d hear about me stealing again.”

    “When I was caught stealing at my work, my father didn’t want to tell my mom, so as not to upset her. We call that denial.”

    “The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast.”

    “I’m not sure if it was my perception or my parents’ actual wish, but I always felt like unless I saved the world, I would end up a nobody.”

    “This constant need for perfectionism also lead to the repression of many issues in my family.”

    “To this day my parents are not the best at confronting issues.”

    “I’m a doer. I need to get things accomplished in order to feel satisfied. When it came to my drug life, I got things done by becoming a pretty successful drug dealer as well as a less successful, but working, musician. Now, I needed to find another channel for my energy, one that didn’t center around filling a meth pipe.”

    “When I stopped smoking crystal meth, getting over the fatigue, hunger, and even my non-existent libido (all part of my withdrawal) was easy when compared with the simple challenge of what to do every day.”

    “If anything, it was after getting sober that I realized my drug use was so tied up with sex that I most likely had developed a sex addiction as well.”

    “I have too much going on in my life that I love to throw it all away over getting high.”

    Dr J, I want to thank you for the opportunity to study you. It has been fascinating and further validates my theory of the Addiction Myth. I will now move on to my next subject — yes there are many more to go!

    Please let me know when the YVid is ready. I can’t wait to see it!

    “Hi I’m Adi and I was a meth addict and a sex addict.”

    AM

  32. shelley says:

    My 19 yr od dughter has been smoking meth for 6 month. i just found out about it. It explains her quick to anger being over the top. But she always ind of did have an explosive temper. She uses once and a while on the weekends but I pickd her up at her request 3 weeks ago after the rest of the family went on a vacation for a week, and she was puking and skeletal and sores on her face.
    We took her away camping for 2 weeks and there was no issues. She gained her slim weight back, skin quickly recovered, smiles , laughter, goal setting. Am I wrong to ask her to go to rehab at this point? Should I ask her how long she has been using? It has been 1 week since camping and she still seems good. Am I fooling mysef thinking that maybe it is not an addiction yet?

    • Adi Jaffe says:

      Hi Shelley and thank you for writing. The question of whether to ask your daughter to go to rehab when she is apparently doing well is a valid one and difficult to answer. I think that the notion of starting a real and honest conversation with her sounds like a great idea. Although it will be difficult, it might be best to go into the conversation with an intention to listen and support – without judgement and without much advice. The information you’ll gather will likely be priceless.
      In fact, I would love to hear more about what is going on after you two speak.
      Sincerely,
      Dr. J

  33. Cedrina white says:

    Hi! My name is cedrina an I love your story. Well iam a addict also. I have 7 months clean from crack coccain. I have my own apartment. Iam a home heath aide. I have alot to thank my higher power for. I also go to N.A. It is fun being clean. Just for today iam still here. My god bless you in keep doing what you is doing.

  34. MazM says:

    I have been a nurse for 7 years and I absolutely loved it.

    I slipped up when I forgot to pay my registration for 2010, the year it had changed over from a state to a national registration board.

    My boyfriend at the time and I had moved into our own place over the Christmas holidays of 2009 so I didn’t receive the paperwork from the new board, I guess it was sent to my old mailing address.

    It was not discovered by my employer or me until Christmas Eve 2010 – a year later, when I was pulled off the ward and directed to cease practicing immediately. It was embarrassing, an adult version of being called into the principal’s office. The hospital got fined $50000. I think I started to go into a bit of a hole after that…

    (My now ex-boyfriend is a qualified chef, trained in Italian cuisine.)

    Abruptly unemployed I took a kitchen hand position with an old colleague of my ex’s at a trendy cafe with new owners. Then my ex to took a position as 2nd Chef at the same cafe. The idea was that he could relax a bit as he had been working crazy hours for about 3 years. We could also fulfil one of our dreams – working together – he could train me up as a chef!

    Around this time we both started smoking ice(thats what we called it – or shards, crystal, crack)I was unwilling at first eventually I gave in to the curiosity – I loved it. I’d always loved speed (amphetamine) but this gear was a 100 times stronger. Drugs are very prevalent in the hospitality industry.

    So he had changed jobs from a pretty amazing restaurant to a café with new inexperienced owners. In hindsight I can see the cracks in our plan beginning to show. Then
    Another month later he told me something that changed everything forever – he admitted that he was using it intravenously.

    He had been acting odd since New Year’s and this was the dark reason.

    As appalled as I was to begin with, somehow I eventually started using myself. I could never shoot myself up so he always had to do it for me which is really terrible.

    I still feel so bad and guilty. Sad. Not angry anymore, just disappointed, frustrated and lonely.
    By this stage it was around March 2011.

    For the next few months we continued using until we had lost everything – our house, our friends, our love and what was left of our ‘beautiful’ life. We were both unemployed and I had accumulated $15000 worth of credit card debt. He moved in with his sister and as I wasn’t really welcome there, and I’d exhausted all other options and in my desperate drug haze I knew I had to go to live with my Mum. We spoke about how he would follow me (to new town where Mum lives) and of how we could have a fresh start.

    I got a job on the 1st of August 2011 two weeks after I arrived in ******* and a month after that I paid for him to fly up for 2 weeks, see about work and just be together. That was weird but nice, and even as I’m writing this I know I could feel him slipping away even then. That was September 2011, it is now November 2012. He started working at a beautiful restaurant up in the hills which was great.

    As time passed he became harder to contact and more and more distant when we spoke on the phone. All spontaneous text messages from him stopped and he rarely replied to the ones I sent.

    I saw a doctor and went on anti-depressants because I couldn’t seem to stop crying.

    Then after no response or contact via phone for over a month (numerous calls and pleading messages) he texted and asked if I could call him. Obviously I was really freaked out by the total absence of communication, so I was thrilled to do so.

    I shouldn’t have been.

    He told me there was no future for us and that he had used while we had been apart. I asked if there was someone else he was using with and he said no. That he was just using before work each day. As much as I hated the idea of him being with let alone using with someone else, this news also broke my heart.

    Its one thing to be in a crazy group of friends doing drugs ‘recreationally’ to excess, but it’s a totally new ball game if it becomes your morning cup of coffee.

    His mother seems to be out of the loop. I had hoped in my absence that he could have strengthened the bond with his family and find his roots, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. She said he works then goes to spend time with a ‘friend’ down on the coast. She won’t say a word more. I hope and pray he is not using drugs and that this person is a true friend.

    I only wish him health, happiness, truth, prosperity and love. But I still wish I could still make him laugh, or come, or smile. Hold him in my arms. I miss his warmth and his silly sharp sense of humour. I miss our sex and the quiet nights on the couch watching endless episodes of Sunny in Philadelphia. Driving and listening to music. Good Food, Music and Laughing. That’s how I’m determined to remember him. He still has all our furniture lol.

    I have been clean now for two years(apart from one time) so technically one year and I am determined to get my life back. I have my old job back nursing – I start in two weeks, back in my hometown. I smoke a bit of pot occasionally and a few drinks but nothing hard. I am also off my anti-depressants.

    Meth is just so damn strong – I used recreational drugs on the weekends with my mates for 15 years without them affecting any part of my life in a negative way (apart from a few hangovers and few hairy comedowns)but within 9 months I was a anxious, crazy mess.

    I hope I can stay strong, stay clean. Blessings to all, good luck on your journey, thank you ALL for your posts! This is a great website. Thanks for letting me tell me story.

  35. Aurelius says:

    “Addiction Myth’s” comment that the blogger isn’t a real addict is a bit dangerous I think and trying to make this a clear cut black and white issue, when it’s really grey.
    The way of thinking is dangerous because it’s exactly that attitude that will lead an addict to deeper and deeper addiction and more more serious and drastic problems.
    I know from experience – because I’m a meth user/addict and I just keep plodding along, two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes I kid myself that I’m not addicted, that I haven’t gotten myself into an serious problems yet – but the fact is I’m just surviving, maybe out of resilience or stubborness or whatever – but I’m not thriving – I’m in a dead end job, havent got the mental state of mind to get my act together and step up to what I know I can achieve – because most of my energy is used up (mental, physical and spiritual) using meth.
    I’ve just blasted (injected) a point, and about the same last night. I only use about 2 points a week – but that’s enough to make my life a constant roller coaster – the high, then the low. I’ve lost contact with my friends and I have no confidence to step out and make new friends. I turned 40 this year – single, recently came out as gay and found out i’m HIV poz – and meth gave me an instant relief from the pain. But now it’s got control of me – and I’m at the stage where the only way to get motivate to starting planning my life and think about making changes is when I’ve used meth. The days after using meth, i function, go to work, do the bare minimum, like a zombie. Any task that’s not vital to survival I put off – I recycle my dirty laundry, I rinse off dirty plates just before I use them again – the floor of my apartment is dusty and dirty, I have books, papers, notes, magazines, junk piled up everywhere,,,,,
    My only achievement is my balcony garden – water the plants and making a mini-jungle in a highrise city apartment – like an oasis away from the chaos.
    I don’t have the energy to clean up the dirt on my floors after I water my plants and walk mud through my living room – but I still water these plants religiously.
    I believe that after using meth regularly over the last four years, I can tackle this and find a way to stop – but with my social isolation the task feels a bit like surviving a nazi concentration camp – no friends/family to call on for help – so I’m faced with the tough but possible challenge – I need to rise to the challenge as if I’m in a concentration camp and my life depends on it.

Leave a Reply


CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: