Struggling with my addiction: Recovery, addiction, and the everyday stuff

I’ve written about my own struggles with my addiction on here numerous times. I’ve used crystal meth, ecstasy, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, LSD, mushrooms, and more, though the first few were the ones that really got me.

After an extended career as a dealer and addict, I turned a new leaf and made a new life for myself. It took a couple of rehabs and a hefty jail sentence. Still the link between my addiction and my recovery is not always strong.

My notions regarding the strong relationship between addiction and personality factors like attention-problems, impulsivity, sensation-seeking, and others comes from both my research and my personal experience. I’ve seen the genetic, behavioral, and clinical manifestations; I’ve also lived it firsthand.

I’ve always been known for doing things I wasn’t supposed to and then feeling sorry for them (or not). It was true when I was 5, long before my first sip of alcohol. Sadly, I’m realizing it is still true now and will most likely be true forever.

I can’t keep anything organized in my head. I never could. I was the kid who lost his house keys 5 times a year, forgot about midterms and finals, let alone school assignments, and who could never remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates and times. These days, I’ve learned to rely on my pda/phone to help me with at least some of those things and it’s made my life much easier. But the underlying problem remains.

The problem is that I’m still impulsive and I still do things I shouldn’t. It’s a constant struggle to pull myself back, a very conscious struggle most of the time. When I say that addiction can be treated, it doesn’t mean that it actually disappears, though for me, it has certainly taken a backseat. If anything, it was after getting sober that I realized my drug use was so tied up with sex that I most likely had developed a sex addiction as well.

I’m not sober now (I drink socially), but I’m very aware of my intoxication level when I drink and rarely let it get out of hand. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gotten actually drunk in the five years or so since I began the forbidden “AA experiment.” It works for me, though it might not be for everyone.

The point is that nowadays, I have too much going on in my life that I love to throw it all away over getting high. My fiance, my education, and my work are important to me. The thoughts are still there, but I don’t act on them. It took a lot of work to get here and I seriously hope that I never have to put that work in again, but recovery, addiction, and my everyday stuff can still be a struggle.

You have to build the life you want and do your best to make maintaining that life a priority. It’s not easy, but it can be done. Look here for an exercise that can help you figure out what that life should even look like.

One Reply to “Struggling with my addiction: Recovery, addiction, and the everyday stuff”

  1. Thanks for this great reminder that an abuser’s underlying issues are not necessarily resolved in times of sobriety and control–they’re just replaced by other priorities. That’s helpful to keep in mind.
    You say that “the link between my addiction and my recovery is not always strong.” This reminds me of a strangely recurrent feature of abuse: non-synchronicity a) ya do it and likes it, but afterwards b) you’re sorry ya did it. But then this knowledge has absolutely no power to keep you from the same cycle. You know these consequences that happen every time, but you still do it. This is incredible and would be funny if it didn’t damage self-esteem and self-belief so much.
    Just like to add this point: for those who haven’t had such a dramatic experience as you–with vivid ‘before’ vs. ‘after’ contrasts, it is harder to understand the costs of abuse. Say if your material existence/job is generally OK and not terribly jeopardized by usage, it’s harder to understand what you might (or might have) accomplished, the kind of life you might have had or might still get.
    thanks again

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