Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth

By the time I was done with my addiction to crystal meth, I had racked up 4 arrests, 9 felonies, a $750,000 bail, a year in jail, and an eight year suspended sentence to go along with my 5 year probation period. Though I think education is important to keep getting the message out about addiction and drug abuse, there is no doubt that addiction stories do a great job of getting the message across, so here goes.

My crystal meth addiction story

The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast. That’s why I was surprised when they came to my rescue after 3 years of barely speaking to them. My lawyer recommended that I check into a rehab facility immediately; treating my drug abuse problem was our only line of legal defense.

cocaine linesI had long known that I had an addiction problem when I first checked myself into rehab. Still, my reason for going in was my legal trouble. Within 3 months, I was using crystal meth again, but the difference was that this time, I felt bad about it. I had changed in those first three months. The daily discussions in the addiction treatment facility, my growing relationship with my parents, and a few sober months (more sobriety than I had in years) were doing their job. I relapsed as soon as I went back to work in my studio, which was a big trigger for me, but using wasn’t any fun this time.

I ended up being kicked out of that facility for providing a meth-positive urine test. My parents were irate. I felt ashamed though I began using daily immediately. My real lesson came when I dragged myself from my friend’s couch to an AA meeting one night. I walked by a homeless man who was clearly high when the realization hit me:

I was one step away from becoming like this man.

You see, when I was in the throes of my crystal meth addiction, I had money because I was selling drugs. I had a great car, a motorcycle, an apartment and my own recording studio. After my arrest though, all of that had been taken away. I just made matters worse by getting myself thrown out of what was serving as my home, leaving myself to sleep on a friend’s couch for the foreseeable future.

Something had to change.

homelessI woke up the next morning, smoked some meth, and drove straight to an outpatient drug program offered by my health insurance. I missed the check-in time for that day, but I was told to come back the next morning, which I did. I talked to a counselor, explained my situation, and was given a list of sober-living homes to check out.

As I did this, I kept going to the program’s outpatient meetings, high on crystal meth, but ready to make a change. I was going to do anything I could so as not to end up homeless, or a lifetime prisoner. I had no idea how to stop doing the one thing that had been constant in my life since the age of 15, but I was determined to find out.

When I showed up at the sober-living facility that was to be the place where I got sober, I was so high I couldn’t face the intake staff. I wore sunglasses indoors at 6 PM. My bags were searched, I was shown to my room, and the rest of my life began.

I wasn’t happy to be sober, but I was happier doing what these people told me than I was fighting the cops, the legal system, and the drugs. I had quite a few missteps, but I took my punishments without a word, knowing they were nothing compared to the suffering I’d experience if I left that place.

Overall, I have one message to those struggling with getting clean:

If you want to get past the hump of knowing you have a problem but not knowing what to do about it, the choice has to be made clear. This can’t be a game of subtle changes. No one wants to stop using if the alternative doesn’t seem a whole lot better. For most of us, that means hitting a bottom so low that I can’t be ignored. You get to make the choice of what the bottom will be for you.

You don’t have to almost die, but you might; losing a job could be enough, but if you miss that sign, the next could be the streets; losing your spouse will sometimes do it, but if not, losing your shared custody will hurt even more.

At each one of these steps, you get to make a choice – Do I want things to get worse or not?

Ask yourself that question while looking at the price you’ve paid up to now. If you’re willing to go even lower for that next hit, I say go for it. If you think you want to stop but can’t seem to really grasp just how far you’ve gone, get a friend you trust, a non-using friend, and have them tell you how they see the path your life has taken.

It’s going to take a fight to get out, but if I beat my addiction, you can beat yours.

By now, I’ve received my Ph.D. from UCLA, one of the top universities in the world. I study addiction research, and publish this addiction blog along with a Psychology Today column and a number of academic journals. I also have my mind set on changing the way our society deals with drug abuse and addiction. Given everything I’ve accomplished by now, the choice should have seemed clear before my arrest – but it wasn’t. I hope that by sharing addiction stories, including mine, we can start that process.

Struggling with my addiction: Recovery, addiction, and the everyday stuff

I’ve written about my own struggles with my addiction on here numerous times. I’ve used crystal meth, ecstasy, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, LSD, mushrooms, and more, though the first few were the ones that really got me.

After an extended career as a dealer and addict, I turned a new leaf and made a new life for myself. It took a couple of rehabs and a hefty jail sentence. Still the link between my addiction and my recovery is not always strong.

My notions regarding the strong relationship between addiction and personality factors like attention-problems, impulsivity, sensation-seeking, and others comes from both my research and my personal experience. I’ve seen the genetic, behavioral, and clinical manifestations; I’ve also lived it firsthand.

I’ve always been known for doing things I wasn’t supposed to and then feeling sorry for them (or not). It was true when I was 5, long before my first sip of alcohol. Sadly, I’m realizing it is still true now and will most likely be true forever.

I can’t keep anything organized in my head. I never could. I was the kid who lost his house keys 5 times a year, forgot about midterms and finals, let alone school assignments, and who could never remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates and times. These days, I’ve learned to rely on my pda/phone to help me with at least some of those things and it’s made my life much easier. But the underlying problem remains.

The problem is that I’m still impulsive and I still do things I shouldn’t. It’s a constant struggle to pull myself back, a very conscious struggle most of the time. When I say that addiction can be treated, it doesn’t mean that it actually disappears, though for me, it has certainly taken a backseat. If anything, it was after getting sober that I realized my drug use was so tied up with sex that I most likely had developed a sex addiction as well.

I’m not sober now (I drink socially), but I’m very aware of my intoxication level when I drink and rarely let it get out of hand. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gotten actually drunk in the five years or so since I began the forbidden “AA experiment.” It works for me, though it might not be for everyone.

The point is that nowadays, I have too much going on in my life that I love to throw it all away over getting high. My fiance, my education, and my work are important to me. The thoughts are still there, but I don’t act on them. It took a lot of work to get here and I seriously hope that I never have to put that work in again, but recovery, addiction, and my everyday stuff can still be a struggle.

You have to build the life you want and do your best to make maintaining that life a priority. It’s not easy, but it can be done. Look here for an exercise that can help you figure out what that life should even look like.

More CPDD Addiction research: Addiction, exercise, recovery!

Okay, this is probably the last addiction research update I will give focusing on the Reno conference. The rest of the stuff I learned will be incorporated into future posts.

I’ve written before about the relationship between exercise and recovery (see here) and I will surely write more since for me, it was a big part of the equation.

two separate studies at CPDD reaffirmed my belief that exercise can be a very useful tool in addiction recovery.

The first study, conducted in humans, examined the effect of incorporating an extensive exercise routine into a residential, as well as intensive outpatient, addiction treatment program. Their findings showed improved outcomes for participants in the short, as well as long run. These included length of sobriety, subjective assessment of well being, and more. In talking to the researcher, she seemed to believe that at least part of the effect was due to the relief of cravings achieved by allowing patients to focus on something that took effort, rather than simply sitting around.

The second, and to my mind even more interesting, study examined the effect of exercise on cocaine self-administration in rats. Researchers assigned half of their rats to a cage that had a running wheel while the others were assigned to a regular cage. the rats with the running wheel used the device to run an average of 12 kilometers a day! After a week of simply resting in their cages, when transferred to another cage for 2 hours a day, the rats who had the wheel in their cage took less than half as much cocaine as the rats who didn’t have a wheel. the “wheel-rats” were also found to run less after they began the cocaine portion of the experiment, but their cocaine-taking never got near that of the non-exercising rats. It seems that having the exercise did something to reduce the reinforcing power of cocaine.

I have a feeling that future research will show that these finding hold true for other drugs (like crystal meth, heroin, marijuana, cigarettes, and alcohol) and possibly even for behavioral addictions like food addiction, gambling, and sex addiction.

All in all, research seems to be supporting the notion that exercise can play a significant role in recovery from addiction. Whether it be for boredom relief or an actual internal change in the motivating power of drugs, it looks to me as if Addiction + Exercise = Recovery !

The brain addiction connection : Crystal meth, and our friend dopamine

We’ve talked about the general way in which neurons in the brain communicate with one another and then reviewed the ways in which cocaine messes some of the basic processes that the brain depends on.

It’s time to move on to another drug, and since the brain-addiction connection is similar for meth and cocaine, it seems the natural next step…

Methamphetamine (speed, ice, glass, crystal, meth)

Remember how we said that cocaine affects the way that dopamine is cleaned up after being released? Well, crystal meth also affects dopamine, but in a different way:

Instead of not allowing a molecule (DAT) to pull released dopamine back into the cell that released it, methamphetamine doesn’t allow the dopamine in a cell to be stored in the little packets that it’s supposed to be put away in. Like the DAT molecule, there’s another molecule that packages dopamine (and other neurotransmitters actually).

This molecule is called vesicular monoamine transporter (VMAT) because it puts a specific kind of neurotransmitter (called monoamines) into packets called vesicles.

You may be asking this right about now:

“If cocaine and crystal meth act in such similar way, why are their effects so different?”

That’s a very good question.

Even though these two ways of affecting dopamine seem very similar, they cause different changes in the levels of dopamine in the brain:

This flood is similar to the effect of crystal meth on the brain. By interrupting the way the brain packages dopamine, speed causes an unstoppable flood of this neurotransmitter.While cocaine doesn’t allow the neurons to take dopamine back up (reuptake), the brain has these small monitoring devices called autoreceptors. These receptors detect the levels of dopamine in the brain and adjust the output. When cocaine increases dopamine levels, these autoreceptors decrease the amount of dopamine being released.

The problem with crystal meth is that the dopamine can’t be packaged at all, which means that whether the autoreceptors tell the brain to turn down dopamine output, the fact that the dopamine won’t go into it’s packages means it just keep leaking out.

Imagine having a burst pipe and trying to stop the flood by turning down the faucet… not too helpful, right?!

So what you end up with is a long lasting flood of dopamine that the brain can’t do much about… You may have already figured it out, but this is one of the many reasons why crysal meth has become the new drug epidemic; it just does its job really really well!

Dopamine function in a non-drug-using, meth addict after quitting, and a meth addict after 1 year of staying cleanThe long lasting effects on the brain are similar to those of cocaine, but can be even more devestating. Meth is very neurotoxic meaning that at high levels, it can actually kill neurons by over exciting them. In fact, for both cocaine and methamphetamine, but especially for meth, it can take a very long time (a year or more) for dopamine function to look like anything close to a non-user’s brain (look for the decrease in red in the middle figure showing less overall activity in this area).

Check out this video about meth’s effects: