Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth

By the time I was done with my addiction to crystal meth, I had racked up 4 arrests, 9 felonies, a $750,000 bail, a year in jail, and an eight year suspended sentence to go along with my 5 year probation period. Though I think education is important to keep getting the message out about addiction and drug abuse, there is no doubt that addiction stories do a great job of getting the message across, so here goes.

My crystal meth addiction story

The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast. That’s why I was surprised when they came to my rescue after 3 years of barely speaking to them. My lawyer recommended that I check into a rehab facility immediately; treating my drug abuse problem was our only line of legal defense.

cocaine linesI had long known that I had an addiction problem when I first checked myself into rehab. Still, my reason for going in was my legal trouble. Within 3 months, I was using crystal meth again, but the difference was that this time, I felt bad about it. I had changed in those first three months. The daily discussions in the addiction treatment facility, my growing relationship with my parents, and a few sober months (more sobriety than I had in years) were doing their job. I relapsed as soon as I went back to work in my studio, which was a big trigger for me, but using wasn’t any fun this time.

I ended up being kicked out of that facility for providing a meth-positive urine test. My parents were irate. I felt ashamed though I began using daily immediately. My real lesson came when I dragged myself from my friend’s couch to an AA meeting one night. I walked by a homeless man who was clearly high when the realization hit me:

I was one step away from becoming like this man.

You see, when I was in the throes of my crystal meth addiction, I had money because I was selling drugs. I had a great car, a motorcycle, an apartment and my own recording studio. After my arrest though, all of that had been taken away. I just made matters worse by getting myself thrown out of what was serving as my home, leaving myself to sleep on a friend’s couch for the foreseeable future.

Something had to change.

homelessI woke up the next morning, smoked some meth, and drove straight to an outpatient drug program offered by my health insurance. I missed the check-in time for that day, but I was told to come back the next morning, which I did. I talked to a counselor, explained my situation, and was given a list of sober-living homes to check out.

As I did this, I kept going to the program’s outpatient meetings, high on crystal meth, but ready to make a change. I was going to do anything I could so as not to end up homeless, or a lifetime prisoner. I had no idea how to stop doing the one thing that had been constant in my life since the age of 15, but I was determined to find out.

When I showed up at the sober-living facility that was to be the place where I got sober, I was so high I couldn’t face the intake staff. I wore sunglasses indoors at 6 PM. My bags were searched, I was shown to my room, and the rest of my life began.

I wasn’t happy to be sober, but I was happier doing what these people told me than I was fighting the cops, the legal system, and the drugs. I had quite a few missteps, but I took my punishments without a word, knowing they were nothing compared to the suffering I’d experience if I left that place.

Overall, I have one message to those struggling with getting clean:

If you want to get past the hump of knowing you have a problem but not knowing what to do about it, the choice has to be made clear. This can’t be a game of subtle changes. No one wants to stop using if the alternative doesn’t seem a whole lot better. For most of us, that means hitting a bottom so low that I can’t be ignored. You get to make the choice of what the bottom will be for you.

You don’t have to almost die, but you might; losing a job could be enough, but if you miss that sign, the next could be the streets; losing your spouse will sometimes do it, but if not, losing your shared custody will hurt even more.

At each one of these steps, you get to make a choice – Do I want things to get worse or not?

Ask yourself that question while looking at the price you’ve paid up to now. If you’re willing to go even lower for that next hit, I say go for it. If you think you want to stop but can’t seem to really grasp just how far you’ve gone, get a friend you trust, a non-using friend, and have them tell you how they see the path your life has taken.

It’s going to take a fight to get out, but if I beat my addiction, you can beat yours.

By now, I’ve received my Ph.D. from UCLA, one of the top universities in the world. I study addiction research, and publish this addiction blog along with a Psychology Today column and a number of academic journals. I also have my mind set on changing the way our society deals with drug abuse and addiction. Given everything I’ve accomplished by now, the choice should have seemed clear before my arrest – but it wasn’t. I hope that by sharing addiction stories, including mine, we can start that process.

One day at a time, but not forever!!!

If you’ve ever gone to a 12-step meeting, you’ve heard the phrase “one day at a time,” so often as to make it a mantra. Personally, it always left me wanting more.

Is “one day at a time” enough?!

I think the notion is a correct one… when it comes to early recovery. However, once the initial excitement of staying sober has worn off and life without the crutch of drugs, alcohol, or any other addiction, begins, I believe that there is great value in planning.

Thinking ahead is exactly the sort of thing that addicts don’t do well. As far as I know, there’s only one way to improve a lacking skill – practice.

If a recovering addict truly takes things “one day at a time,” never making plans that take the not-so-near-future into account, where does that leave him except for being sober for one more day? As far as I’m concerned, that’s simply not enough.

I had a lot of learning to do when it came to living a normal life after I cleaned up. I barely knew how to function in the simplest ways without the crutch I’d become so comfortable with. I’ll never forget the single sentence lesson my dad gave me over the phone regarding handling my mail.

“Most people pick up their mail, open it up on the spot, throw away what they don’t need, and handle the rest immediately” he told me.

To me, that was more than a foreign concept; it just sounded strange. You see, I would let mail pile up for weeks, eventually throwing it away when it simply seemed overwhelming. The notion of taking care of my mail, or anything else for that matter, on the spot, sounded so simple as to be impossible. But guess what – it works!!!

Fortunately for me, by the time my dad had shared those pearls of wisdom, I’d been clean for six months and ready to put the lesson into action.

Making plans the right way

Recently, my fiance introduced me to an exercise that requires you to write down your plans for next week, next month, next year, and five years from now. I liked it because it made me think concretely about where it is I’m going in life both in the very short, and relatively long, future. By writing down how I saw different aspects of my life play out in the next five years, I got to think about them more directly than I ever had before.

I’ve adapted the exercise for addicts in recovery. I think that you should try it as early as you feel comfortable with it. The trick early on is to just complete it. Once the first draft is finished, you should go back and change it every once in a while.

Given how quickly things change in early recovery, the second draft should be completed after a week. Since you’ll be getting better, and more realistic, every time, the third draft should probably be done about a month later. From that point on, further edits can be done whenever life calls for it.

I think you’ll find that simply going through the exercise will tell you a lot about where you are in your recovery.

The exercise itself

The first thing you’ll need is a piece of paper. Divide the paper (you can use one side or both depending on how much you like to write) into five sections and title them as follows: “Tomorrow”, “Next week”, “Next month”, “Next year”, and “Five years from now.”

Under each one of the headings, answer the following questions for each of the time periods. Be as specific as possible. Feel free to add, or replace, any of these questions with ones you see as more relevant to your life.

  1. Where will you be living?
  2. What will your job be?
  3. Will you be in a relationship? If so, with who?
  4. How much money will you be making?
  5. What car (or other mode of transportation) will you have?
  6. List your five most important relationships – Describe the quality of each.
  7. What special trips, events, or occasions, will you be taking part in or planning?

That’s it. You’re done. Take a deep breath and read over the list.

Though it seems simple enough, you’ll see that answering these questions can be quite difficult at first. This is especially true the more specific you try to be (answers like “I’ll be living in a 3 bedroom house in Mar Vista with hardwood floors and a home office that faces east” might take some time for some of you).

Again, the point is simply to complete the exercise that first time. I promise you that it gets easier with time. Since you’ll be repeating it relatively often initially, you’ll be able to adjust your plans according to the changing circumstances of your life. Feel free to go back and redo the list any time.

Having goals, both short and long term ones, will help focus your mind. It will also plant the seed of the direction in which you want to take your life. Without this direction, things can seem chaotic, especially when one has recently given up their best friend (cocaine, marijuana, porn, and chocolate fudge ice-cream can easily be thought of as best friends when one is in the throws of addiction or recently out of it).

One day at a time is great, but when you want more out of life, planning is the only way to go.

About Addiction: Drug Information, alcohol safety, and Addiction recovery resources

You guessed it, another great piece detailing some interesting information about addiction from the corners of the world (wide web?). Enjoy, and remember to let us know if we’re missing some topics you’d like to see here!

Drug Information and alcohol safety

Drug.ie– Educating teens about drugs during the time of adolescence may be too late according to this piece. which claims that parents are very ignorant about the whole drug culture (many do not even know that their teens are using drugs or alcohol). In order to try to combat the drug problem parents should be educated and the whole community should work together to help alleviate the drug problem.   

Irish medical news– A new street drug has emerged in Ireland and is selling for €2 (something like $3). The drug has said to be as dangerous as methylenedioxypyrovalerone (MDPV). The drug is currently being analyzed for its properties but is thought to be as potent as mephedrone, BZP and MDPV.

Examiner– This article examines the history of Amy Winehouse and how she used to be deeply involved in the world of drugs.  The good thing that emerges from this article is the fact that Amy Winehouse has been sober for over 3 years – If Amy can do it, I’m sure many other addicts can!

Breaking the cycles- This article examines the proper ways to deal with individuals when they are drunk.  Alcohol works by depressing the central nervous system by slowing down the heart rate, lowering blood pressure and slowing a person’s breathing rate. If a friend passes out and they have consumed a lot of alcohol you should turn them on their side in order to prevent them from choking on their vomit. This is important, however it cannot stop the depressant action of alcohol as it keeps working on the central nervous system.

Addiction recovery resources

Bloomsburg Buisnessweek– Mental illness stigma is very difficult to shake when it comes to addiction recovery. In order to compact this issue individuals need to be educated about mental illness. In order to reduce stigma people should be urged to focus on the person rather than the disease.

5min Life Videopedia– This video gives a great perspective on how to help individuals who are recovering from drug addiction and alcohol abuse. It is worth watching, Enjoy!

Drug use cravings, obsessions, and trying to get clean…

When I first got sober, everything I thought about had something to do with drugs. It wasn’t just that I always thought of getting high, but everything in my life was tied to drugs, especially crystal meth.

Adi Jaffe playing music now sober

My drug use centered life

I used to make music in my studio, but I was always smoking crystal meth while doing it; I had a few girls I was “seeing,” but I got high with almost all of them (if they weren’t into it, I’d sneak a smoke in the bathroom alone). Every one of my friends was on drugs. I paid my rent with cocaine, made my money from selling anything you could think of, and overall, was simply surrounded by the stuff.

The drug use to craving connection

If you haven’t heard about this yet, memories are reconstructions of the past. When you remember something, your brain doesn’t just pull it out of some secret drawer like you were told when you were a kid. Instead, the different areas of your brain involved in making the memory (like your visual cortex, your olfactory bulb, and your language areas) light up all over again, re-exposing you to those same old thoughts, feelings, and senses.

Knowing that, it’s not surprising that cravings are so difficult to handle. Who wants to re-experience getting high with their best friend, their girlfriend, or in their favorite place over and over while trying to get sober? It’s literally maddening, sometime to the point where you just say “screw it” and run out to do it all over again (as in relapse).

I told my sister the other day that when I think about smoking glass (another name for crystal meth), the thing I miss the most is the white puff of smoke that fills the room. We used to call it “Dragon’s Breath” and I was pretty talented at producing the biggest clouds. It freaked her out a little to know that I could possibly still miss something about meth after everything that happened.

Even though I felt that it was necessary to calm her, I know that the addicts reading these pages know what I’m talking about. Of course I still miss smoking  crystal meth sometimes; Given everything I now know about drugs, which is a lot given the fact that I’ve spent 8 years studying nothing but drugs, I’m surprised I don’t miss the stuff more.

Drug use, reward, and what’s next

Almost every drug I know of eventually gets down to activating your reward center. Meth does so in a way that’s so extreme (like I said in an old post, it literally floods your brain with DA), that I’m surprised I ever managed to come out of it. I definitely know why it felt like such hard work.

So when a craving comes, don’t think of it as a sign that your failing. If that were true, there would be no survivors of addiction. Instead, recognize what your brain is doing, allow it, then think about the changes you’re trying to make. As the memory gets reconstructed, those new aspects you’re thinking about, those that have to do with your recovery and the positive changes you are making, will incorporate themselves into those old memories.

This, along with everything else you’re doing, will make the cravings less and less threatening, allowing you to stay sober even when they come through.

One is too many, a thousand not enough: Does a slip or relapse mean the end?

Breaking news: When alcoholics who have gone through treatment have a drink after a certain length of sobriety, most don’t go off the deep end.

Slip scares and abstinence relapse

RelapsingThe old AA adage: “One drink is too many, and a thousand not enough,” refers to the fact that alcoholics who are sober are assumed to return to their evil ways after even a small slip (known as a relapse). This notion is meant to warn AA members to resist temptation lest they find themselves right back where they started. Or worse.

Most research into sobriety considers a person a success only if they remain sober throughout the study period. The followup periods last anywhere between 6 months to a year (or sometimes more). Have a drink, and you’ve lost. Game over. No one’s ever really looked at what people who have relapsed actually do after the relapse. Which is why the recent findings reported in the journal Psychology of Addictive Behaviors are so intriguing.

Recent relapse research findings

When looking at the behavior of 563 participants, the researchers found that 30% stayed sober for the entire 12 month follow-up period. This leaves a whopping 70% who had at least a drink in the year following treatment. However, the vast majority of those who drank in the first year after treatment (82%) developed moderate, infrequent, drinking habits. In fact, only about 6% started drinking heavily and frequently after their relapse. Even of those who drank, as many as 25% were completely dry for at least an entire month after their relapse.

The bottom line on relapse?

These findings suggest that at least for a year after becoming sober, a relapse is not necessarily the detrimental, destructive, event it has always been feared to be. It is surely possible that these drinking habits change, but according to these findings, if drinking frequency goes anywhere after the initial relapse, it’s down, not up.

I’m not trying to make light of relapse here, and I’m certainly not saying that relapsing is a positive thing. Nevertheless, given the fact that relapse is almost always a part of the recovery process, I’m suggesting that having a relapse shouldn’t scare everyone involved. It doesn’t seem to in any way suggest a necessary demise.

Citation:

Witkiewitz, K. & Masyn, K. E. (2008). Drinking trajectories following an initial lapse. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 22, 157-167.