Addiction stories: Hellish Heroin – Bambi’s heroin addiction story

Opiate Addiction can be a horrible thing whether it's to heroin, hydrocodone, oxycontin, or any one of a number of available opiates. This is only the first in a series of addiction stories we will have on the site.Addiction stories seem to have an impact that objective research can never have. This is another in a series of addiction stories submitted by our readers. I hope that everyone will benefit from learning about others’ experiences. There’s no doubt that Bambi’s experience of escalation in use from what seemed initially innocent is a common one. If you, or someone you know, needs help with their opiate addiction, try our rehab-finder for the best way to get reliable, verified, rehab recommendations.

A harrowing tale of heroin addiction:

When most people hear the word heroin, some things come to mind. Those of you who have never even thought of doing a drug like heroin, would never understand. And for those of you who you know who you are, whether you have found your way out, or are slowly still slipping away… Believe me, if you know who you are, then you know how it is. Realizing you’re addicted to something doesn’t hit you, until you mentally find your way out by accepting what has happened and letting go with only one hell of a memory. Continue reading “Addiction stories: Hellish Heroin – Bambi’s heroin addiction story”

One day at a time, but not forever!!!

If you’ve ever gone to a 12-step meeting, you’ve heard the phrase “one day at a time,” so often as to make it a mantra. Personally, it always left me wanting more.

Is “one day at a time” enough?!

I think the notion is a correct one… when it comes to early recovery. However, once the initial excitement of staying sober has worn off and life without the crutch of drugs, alcohol, or any other addiction, begins, I believe that there is great value in planning.

Thinking ahead is exactly the sort of thing that addicts don’t do well. As far as I know, there’s only one way to improve a lacking skill – practice.

If a recovering addict truly takes things “one day at a time,” never making plans that take the not-so-near-future into account, where does that leave him except for being sober for one more day? As far as I’m concerned, that’s simply not enough.

I had a lot of learning to do when it came to living a normal life after I cleaned up. I barely knew how to function in the simplest ways without the crutch I’d become so comfortable with. I’ll never forget the single sentence lesson my dad gave me over the phone regarding handling my mail.

“Most people pick up their mail, open it up on the spot, throw away what they don’t need, and handle the rest immediately” he told me.

To me, that was more than a foreign concept; it just sounded strange. You see, I would let mail pile up for weeks, eventually throwing it away when it simply seemed overwhelming. The notion of taking care of my mail, or anything else for that matter, on the spot, sounded so simple as to be impossible. But guess what – it works!!!

Fortunately for me, by the time my dad had shared those pearls of wisdom, I’d been clean for six months and ready to put the lesson into action.

Making plans the right way

Recently, my fiance introduced me to an exercise that requires you to write down your plans for next week, next month, next year, and five years from now. I liked it because it made me think concretely about where it is I’m going in life both in the very short, and relatively long, future. By writing down how I saw different aspects of my life play out in the next five years, I got to think about them more directly than I ever had before.

I’ve adapted the exercise for addicts in recovery. I think that you should try it as early as you feel comfortable with it. The trick early on is to just complete it. Once the first draft is finished, you should go back and change it every once in a while.

Given how quickly things change in early recovery, the second draft should be completed after a week. Since you’ll be getting better, and more realistic, every time, the third draft should probably be done about a month later. From that point on, further edits can be done whenever life calls for it.

I think you’ll find that simply going through the exercise will tell you a lot about where you are in your recovery.

The exercise itself

The first thing you’ll need is a piece of paper. Divide the paper (you can use one side or both depending on how much you like to write) into five sections and title them as follows: “Tomorrow”, “Next week”, “Next month”, “Next year”, and “Five years from now.”

Under each one of the headings, answer the following questions for each of the time periods. Be as specific as possible. Feel free to add, or replace, any of these questions with ones you see as more relevant to your life.

  1. Where will you be living?
  2. What will your job be?
  3. Will you be in a relationship? If so, with who?
  4. How much money will you be making?
  5. What car (or other mode of transportation) will you have?
  6. List your five most important relationships – Describe the quality of each.
  7. What special trips, events, or occasions, will you be taking part in or planning?

That’s it. You’re done. Take a deep breath and read over the list.

Though it seems simple enough, you’ll see that answering these questions can be quite difficult at first. This is especially true the more specific you try to be (answers like “I’ll be living in a 3 bedroom house in Mar Vista with hardwood floors and a home office that faces east” might take some time for some of you).

Again, the point is simply to complete the exercise that first time. I promise you that it gets easier with time. Since you’ll be repeating it relatively often initially, you’ll be able to adjust your plans according to the changing circumstances of your life. Feel free to go back and redo the list any time.

Having goals, both short and long term ones, will help focus your mind. It will also plant the seed of the direction in which you want to take your life. Without this direction, things can seem chaotic, especially when one has recently given up their best friend (cocaine, marijuana, porn, and chocolate fudge ice-cream can easily be thought of as best friends when one is in the throws of addiction or recently out of it).

One day at a time is great, but when you want more out of life, planning is the only way to go.

Rehab is easy, Recovery is hard – Making addiction treatment work

Here’s another article from Sarah Henderson, one of our readers who’s recovered from a long battle with eating disorders and is living with bipolar disorder. She’s very candid about her experiences with addiction treatment, which I like a lot, and her unique view on food addictions (or eating disorders) fills a nice gap  in my own knowledge. In this piece, she discusses issues about addiction treatment setting, independence, and the involvement of others in recovery. We’ve all heard that you can’t make someone overcome their addiction, and Sarah’s story shows that sometimes what does the trick is making them confront their own problems. As I’ve talked about in the past, I had a similar experience when I decided to own up  to my problems and asked my father to let me take care of finding treatment myself. It was the first time I’d really internalized that I was the final piece in this puzzle.

Rehab is Easy. Recovery is Hard.

At least, that’s been my experience. Throughout the the years I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, drug abuse, and bipolar I had a very distinct pattern: get sick, make people worry, get very sick, go to therapy, get extremely sick, go to residential treatment. Once there, I’d battle the people who were trying to help, then slowly acquiesce, then start to be semi-okay, get my weight up, get my symptoms down, and get discharged. Then, I’d get sick.

And around and around we go.

I did this for about ten years. I went to hospital after hospital, RTC after RTC, therapist after therapist. I was kicked out of treatment in several places for various reasons: not cooperating, hindering other patients’ recovery efforts, refusing therapies or medications. At one point, I was even kicked out of my small private high school because I was so sick I was “disturbing” the other students.

There is a time in my illness when I would have been proud of these things. I would have seen them as showing how tough I was, how strong in my cause, how determined to go down fighting. Now, however, remembering these things only brings a sense of sadness, and heart-wrenching compassion for the pain that this girl was in, how much she had to have been hurting to continue to put herself in that situation.

At a certain point though, the cycle stopped. I had been to this one treatment center twice in one year- and been asked to leave both times. Finally, the person who had been funding my psychiatric revolving door decided that was the last time he was paying for inpatient care. The next time I decided to get super sick, I was on my own.

After getting out of inpatient that very last time, I continued to relapse. However, knowing that no one was going to swoop in and save me, toss me in treatment, and keep up my game, created a shift in my thinking. I didn’t really have the option of continuing to get sick; at least, if I wanted to live. Wanting to live was something I went back and forth on often. I went through two very uncomfortable, joyful, horrible, painful, gratifying, terrifying, and ultimately life-saving years in outpatient therapy stumbling my way towards recovery. That time was like a dance, getting sicker then better, back and forth, until little by little the better days outnumber the sicker ones. I don’t have a “clean date” like many people; I couldn’t tell you the last day I skipped a meal or purged or cut myself. All I know is that I’m recovered.

It took a long time and a lot of work to get here. And all those years that I spent in addiction treatment did NOT go to waste, despite how it may sound. I think for me- for many people- inpatient treatment lays foundation for recovery, plants the seeds of new behaviors, thoughts, and coping strategies. But it’s not until you leave that safe, rarefied environment that those seeds will sprout, and recovery can begin to flower. I always had this idea that RTC was supposed to cure me; that I should be able to walk out all whole and healed, no problems at all. And I was always pissed when it didn’t happen that way. Finally I figured out that’s not how it works. Treatment just gives you the tools and materials for recovery. YOU are responsible for building it.

I wish someone had told me that the very first time I went to inpatient. It’s an important thing to remember throughout the treatment process; the more you understand that you alone are accountable and responsible for your own health and recovery, the more likely you are to achieve it.

Final thoughts from Adi

Like I said in the beginning, I appreciate Sarah’s truthfulness about her experience. Additionally, I share some of her story, especially as it pertains to having to own up to her condition and lose some of the guidance, or maybe crutch, that had been there for so long. However, I think that this story is a great example of why it is true that while addiction stories can offer great inspiration and hope, addiction research looks at patterns in data that can offer insight no given story can give us.

For instance, Sarah says she that outpatient treatment let her truly put the tools that she learned about in residential treatment to use. In fact, she suggests that this is the role of outpatient treatment. In actuality though, addiction research shows that people do better if they’ve been to residential treatment, especially among more difficult cases, and that a structured transition, like moving from a residential treatment facility to sober-living or to outpatient, increases the chances of long-term sobriety.However, I don’t know of any research that shows that past experience at residential treatment predicts greater success at outpatient treatment. Everything I’ve seen shows that past failure at rehab predicts future failure, not success. That’s not to say that Sarah’s story doesn’t repeat, but as a rule, more difficult cases do better in residential, not outpatient.

These sort of research findings can help guide us towards the most probable path to success, after which point individual variability sort of takes over and works its magic. The hope is that as we get better and better at it, our addiction research will guide us towards more customized initial treatment selection. It’s how we make things work in our A3 Rehab-Finder.

A&E’s Intervention – Joey, the middle class, heroin addiction, and hepatitis C

A&E’s Intervention built quite an initial popular following for itself by choosing subjects with disarmingly unique stories and addictions. However, as the show has progressed, it has found strength in an ability to show America the true face of addiction: the so-called normal, everyday people battling their demons in private.

Heroin addiction doesn’t understand “class”

Joey, a 25-year old father from Pennsylvania, stands as a prime example, a young male who grew up with a supportive family in a comfortable suburb and nevertheless found himself in the grip of heroin addiction. By his own account on Intervention, Joey began experimenting with drugs at the age of 13, and by 15 was regularly smoking marijuana. By 17, he was using ecstasy, LSD and had developed a heroin addiction, which several trips through a 12-step rehab program did little to slow. As his tolerance for heroin built, Joey found himself shooting heroin at the rate of up to 7 bags a day to maintain his high. Despite steady work as a tattoo artist, his money was increasingly feeding his heroin addiction, preventing him from even making his child support payments. Sharing dirty needles had also most likely been the cause of his recent contraction of Hepatitis C, an infection that now shows up in a staggering 80% of all regular injection drug users.

A&E’s intervention – A glimpse into the face of addiction

As per the show’s format, this episode revolved around a forthcoming intervention planned by Joey’s family, who were growing more and more desperate as his heroin addiction continued to eat away at his life. In accordance with the Johnson Model, the classic standard of addiction intervention, the family resolved to present Joey with an ultimatum- either he could voluntarily enter rehab treatment, or he faced losing contact with all of his family members, losing any rights to his young daughter, and could even face jail time for violation of his probation.

Even with the gravity of the consequences facing him, Joey’s heroin addiction was such that he still could not come to terms with his situation. Anticipating the intervention, he ran, going into hiding for two days while his family camped outside of his home, his job, and the homes of his friends, waiting for the chance to confront him with reality. Ultimately, they spread the word that they were prepared to have him arrested. With nowhere left to turn, Joey finally resolved himself to rehab, though not without one final fix.

Difficult recovery and relapse

Though the treatment originally seemed to take well, giving Joey 9 months of sobriety, he was depicted on the program suffering a late relapse. This time, he willingly returned to treatment. According to A&E’s Intervention, he has now been sober since April 25, 2010.

Joey’s story resonates because of how tragically common his themes are: the complete loss of personal wealth, the hardship that the addict’s behavior has on family and friends, and the willingness to put oneself in extremely dangerous situations for the chance to use just one more time. Time and again, Joey demonstrated an extreme lack of caution as he shot up heroin with dirty needles, putting himself at risk for Hepatitis, HIV, and any other number of serious diseases. This brings up the issue of so-called “harm reduction” programs designed not to prevent injection drug users from using, but rather to provide them with clean needles and education in order to minimize the threat to public health and guide, not force, the addict towards potential treatment. The long-standing counterargument to such programs has been that they implicitly condone drug abuse, but research has shown that needle exchange programs do not increase drug abuse but merely decrease disease and dirty needle use. In this way, it is increasingly becoming regarded as analogous to sex education and the distribution of birth control, another common-sense public service that has too often fallen victim to the agendas of culture warriors.

Though for some a lurid escape, it has become increasingly clear to us at A3 that A&E’s Intervention, by presenting a straightforward view of the true complexity of modern drug use and addiction, has become an invaluable tool for those attempting to understand the face of this issue. As is usually the case with television content though, it pays to go a little deeper, and hopefully the show motivates people do just that.