One of the main features of addiction is, unfortunately, how insidious it is.
Given everything I’ve been learning in the past 12 years about drugs, their abuse, and the people involved, I feel right in saying that most people don’t realize how far gone they are until it’s too late.
I consider myself fortunate in finding my way out of my crystal meth addiction, and I’ve met many others who’ve found their way as well. Still, I realize constantly that you can’t be too vigilant or too aware in watching out for inroads back to disaster.
As I’d said before, I began drinking again after 3 years of staying completely sober. My decision to leave typical recovery was made after talking with my parents and loved ones and making sure that they understood what this meant. I made sure that if I began reverting back to my old way of being lazy, aloof, and disrespectful, they would step in and send me right back to rehab.
This was my way of running the famous AA experiment and for me, it’s been working for the past 5 years or so.
But, I am always aware of how intoxicated I am and it is rare nowadays that I let myself get to the point of the loss of control. I have this constant voice in my head now that monitors how drunk I feel. I DO leave unfinished glasses of wine at dinners at times, and I do my best to make wise choices before going out so that I don’t make dumb ones later (like driving under the influence).
How I stay grounded
Still, most of my awareness about my addiction and what it means comes from my constant work in the area. Working with people who are in the throws of their disease keeps me in touch with how far I’ve gone and how much I don’t want to go back. I now know much more about the risks and about what I’d be doing to myself were I to take them. I don’t want to kill additional neurons, and I sure as hell don’t want to go through 2 more years of hell trying to put my life in order. I’ve never tried speed again since the day I quit in 2002 because I can’t say that I’m sure of what would happen next, and I don’t want to find out in case it’s bad…
This is why I believe that education is one of our best weapons in the battle against addiction.
My most valuable help
Lastly, I feel like one of the most important ingredients in all of this is having people you can trust and confide in. I don’t have many of those, but there are a few, and my family is always there, and I share everything with them.
For me, it was the moment I chose to be forthcoming with my family and hide nothing from them that has healed years of tension, mistrust and fighting, and I never want to go back .
This however means that they too have to be open. We now laugh when I say things like “I wish I could do some speed now to get me through all this work I have,” but I assure you, no one was laughing 5 years ago…
A word of caution
My sponsor in AA “went out” (meaning he started using again) a few months ago after being prescribed pain medication for surgery. Many in AA would point to the fact that he should have never been prescribed those pills in the first place. Everything I’ve learned about the brain indicates that automatic relapse is only likely when using one’s “drug of choice“. I say it was the dissolution of his marriage and his trust that having been sober for 12 years he could do no wrong that got him in trouble.
Be open, accepting, and loving. Let those around you say things that make you uncomfortable without too much judgment so that they feel safe in coming back to you, and if they ask for help, know how to give it to them. No matter how happy people are to finally quit drugs (or another addiction), the feeling of defeat when they realize they now have to learn to live without their crutch can be enormous. This is where the help is most important.
Question of the day:
Do you have a story about the support you found necessary for your own recovery or the recovery of someone close to you?
One response to “Always stay mindful – My different experience with recovery, addiction, and crystal meth”
the most important part of the 6+ years sober I had was normal so ializing. I spent 7th years in the rooms grunt to get a year sober; I acheived it when I quit going to meetings. I relapsed and went back to aa. After several hospitalizations I thought “doing the same thing over & over expecting different results is insane” I stopped again and I am back on track approaching 6 months. My journey and thoughts about this are chronicled on my blog. It is the love of 2 drinking friends not in aa that got me over the hump. They love me.